Sometimes Netflix and I have miscommunications. Mostly, they think I will love movies that I end up hating, like Le Cercle Rouge. This time, it was my fault, I asked for movies without looking at the dates. Instead of the charming Colin Firth/Rupert Everett Importance of Being Earnest, I asked for the 1952 version with 44 year old Vanessa Redgrave's father playing the 29 year old Jack. LAME. And, instead of the Ethan Hawke version of Hamlet I've never seen, I received a 1960 version made for German tv.
This was hardcore awful.
After I watched half an hour I could handle no more. Then, Jooj sent me an email with this little beauty also from German TV past, but the absolute antithesis to the dreary Hamlet. German TV -- so multi-faceted.
All I have to say, is THOSE CRAZY GERMANS!
Then today, while I was at work, I saw a little segment on Telemundo about different traditions for celebrating the New Year. Not being a Spanish speaker myself, I only caught every third word or so, but I am very sure that I lost nothing in translation. First, if you are hoping to travel in the new year, you're supposed to take your luggage for a walk around the block. Ok, this seems a little out there, but not super illogical. But my favorite anecdote: if you're hoping to find love in the coming year, you need to get a coconut, paint it pink and white and then kick it around your house for twenty days. On the twenty first day, you take your painted coconut to your front doorstep and throw it on the ground to break it up.
I'm just wondering where to find a coconut at this time of year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Keeping up Appearances
Just call me Hyacinth.
For Christmas, I was not sure what to do for my father. But the idea crossed my mind that sometimes "family" means feigning acceptance for other people's stupidity. So, to make it look like I'm not judging anyone (i.e. my father) for disregarding common sense (i.e. being a total moron) I made this.
It was totally fun, despite the purpose of making it. I made a stencil out of contact paper and then just painted cream linen with black fabric paint. I added batting and stapled it into the frame, then polished it off with dust cloth, like it was an upholstered piece of furniture, and little picture hanger thingies.
Go ahead and try it. It's almost too much fun. I'm going to make a variation for my cousin's adorable son, Asher. And one for you too, if you'd like.
For Christmas, I was not sure what to do for my father. But the idea crossed my mind that sometimes "family" means feigning acceptance for other people's stupidity. So, to make it look like I'm not judging anyone (i.e. my father) for disregarding common sense (i.e. being a total moron) I made this.
It was totally fun, despite the purpose of making it. I made a stencil out of contact paper and then just painted cream linen with black fabric paint. I added batting and stapled it into the frame, then polished it off with dust cloth, like it was an upholstered piece of furniture, and little picture hanger thingies.
Go ahead and try it. It's almost too much fun. I'm going to make a variation for my cousin's adorable son, Asher. And one for you too, if you'd like.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Comcast, WTeff?
Since Saturday morning, my dear city has seen 18 inches of snow. I am absolutely loving it. We never see this sort of weather, so we are not at all equipped with snow plows, so the majority of people set off on foot, public transit or just stay in their homes. Lots of stores are closed, and most offices are closed. One can only go sledding, cross country skiing, or walking in the snow so many times, so I've spent the majority of the past three days inside of my house. I have wrapped all of my the gifts I've gotten and made for people, done a lot of cooking and baking, painted a bookshelf, reorganized my closet, and read the majority of Middlemarch, (gee whiz, I am a huge fan of George Eliot!). I have also watched all three of our netflix movies, and a few on tv. Last night, I was looking through the guide and saw "Mixed Nuts" on Soap Net, not wanting to be bothered with commercials when I own the DVD, I thought, I would pop in the movie and enjoy the Christmas flavored delight. Before I managed to get the DVD in though, I noticed that Comcast had rated "Mixed Nuts" with 1 out of 4 stars.
WHAT?!?!?! HOW CAN THIS BE? 38,000 of my friends on netflix have averaged a score of 3.1 stars out of 5--not to mention my love of it--so this whole 1 star rating is just horribly wrong.
I am partial to this movie because Steve Martin is in it, and though he is 37 years my senior, I think he is dreamy. But, Madeline Kahn, Adam Sandler, Anthony LaPaglia, Juliette Lewis, Rita Wilson, Liev Schreiber, Jon Stewart, Parker Posey, Rob Reiner, Garry Shandling, Joely Fisher, and even Haley Joel Osment are also in it. If I were to cast a comedy, I feel like these are exactly the people I would want in it. This movie is an absolute delight, and as far as Christmas flavored movies go, it is up there. I don't want to give anything away, but Liev Schreiber is so amazing in this movie, and shares a very funny dance scene with Steve Martin. And Adam Sandler on the ukulele is pretty priceless as well.
So friends, don't trust Comcast, watch this movie, and giggle at the silly.
WHAT?!?!?! HOW CAN THIS BE? 38,000 of my friends on netflix have averaged a score of 3.1 stars out of 5--not to mention my love of it--so this whole 1 star rating is just horribly wrong.
I am partial to this movie because Steve Martin is in it, and though he is 37 years my senior, I think he is dreamy. But, Madeline Kahn, Adam Sandler, Anthony LaPaglia, Juliette Lewis, Rita Wilson, Liev Schreiber, Jon Stewart, Parker Posey, Rob Reiner, Garry Shandling, Joely Fisher, and even Haley Joel Osment are also in it. If I were to cast a comedy, I feel like these are exactly the people I would want in it. This movie is an absolute delight, and as far as Christmas flavored movies go, it is up there. I don't want to give anything away, but Liev Schreiber is so amazing in this movie, and shares a very funny dance scene with Steve Martin. And Adam Sandler on the ukulele is pretty priceless as well.
So friends, don't trust Comcast, watch this movie, and giggle at the silly.
John Galliano is pretty darn cool.
So, I don't want to admit to buying "Influence" by MK & Ashley Olsen as soon as it came out, but I did. I am, shamefully enough, a pretty big fan of Ashley and her great fashion choices. They compiled an amazing roster of subjects, and I enjoyed reading all of the interviews. Some of the interviews left something to be desired, but given the fact that the majority of their education came from the tutors on the Full House set, I feel like these girls have done really well for themselves.
I am a HUGE fan of John Galliano. For those of you who don't know or care, he designs for his own label and the couture and ready-to-wear labels of Christian Dior, so essentially hardcore genius!
I really enjoyed reading the interview that MK & Ashley did with him, there was a lot about taking inspiration from every aspect of life, which I really appreciate. This is my favorite part:
MKO: What do you find to be the most beautiful part of a woman's body?
JG: That all depends on the woman: her smile, her eyes, her neck, her curves, her joie de vivre.
AO: Who are other women you admire? You've vocalized your appreciation for the female form in the past--do you have a muse?
JG: A muse is ever evolving, ever changing, ever elusive. The perfect woman is out there, and she is many things, many moods, many women. But the one I am chasing is ever evolving, so I must travel the world to catch a glimpse of her. I am on the lifelong quest to inspire her, dress her, seduce her. A muse is a strange, elusive, and exotic thing that cannot be caught. She is a free spirit that I hope to keep up with, hope to delight.
I am a HUGE fan of John Galliano. For those of you who don't know or care, he designs for his own label and the couture and ready-to-wear labels of Christian Dior, so essentially hardcore genius!
I really enjoyed reading the interview that MK & Ashley did with him, there was a lot about taking inspiration from every aspect of life, which I really appreciate. This is my favorite part:
MKO: What do you find to be the most beautiful part of a woman's body?
JG: That all depends on the woman: her smile, her eyes, her neck, her curves, her joie de vivre.
AO: Who are other women you admire? You've vocalized your appreciation for the female form in the past--do you have a muse?
JG: A muse is ever evolving, ever changing, ever elusive. The perfect woman is out there, and she is many things, many moods, many women. But the one I am chasing is ever evolving, so I must travel the world to catch a glimpse of her. I am on the lifelong quest to inspire her, dress her, seduce her. A muse is a strange, elusive, and exotic thing that cannot be caught. She is a free spirit that I hope to keep up with, hope to delight.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Desert Island
Being inclined to indecision, I am not someone who enjoys games like Desert Island. I don't like to pigeonhole myself. That being said, I was talking with one of my friends about his desert island choices, because I surely refused to name any, and he got so frustrated that here I am, three days later, arbitrarily assigning things to my desert island survival packing list.
The topics were these:
Books:
1. Tolstoy's Anna Karenina
2. The complete works of Jane Austen
3. The In Search of Lost Time series by Marcel Proust (mostly because I'm halfway through now and would like to have it as one of my accomplishments to have read all of Proust, even if I happen to be stranded on an island.)
4. The complete works of Oscar Wilde
5. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
Movies:
1. Rear Window (1954)
2. The Muppet Movie (1979)
3. Something with Colin Firth (Not the A&E/BBC Pride & Prejudice, because the girls just aren't cute enough "Poor Jane, in deed!" - maybe Love Actually or Bridget Jones Diary; I'm not sure, but also probably not The Importance of Being Earnest, because I will of course, on this hypothetical island, have that to read.)
4. Das Leben der Anderen/The Lives of Others (2006)
5. The Sting (1973) (I opted for this over The Way We Were because Paul Newman is in it, and I already have a chick flick with the Colin Firth pick, so sorry K-K-K-Katie.)
Albums:
1. Mendelssohn's Leider Ohne Worte/Songs Without Words (preferably performed by Ilse von Alpenheim, but I could be persuaded elsewhere)
2. Dylan - either Blood on the Tracks(1975) or Bringing It All Back Home (1965)
3. Stevie Wonder - Songs in the Key of Life (1976)
4. The Beatle's white album (1968) (I felt the anthology would have been a cop out, though I would choose to take it all.)
5. Muddy Waters' Anthology
6. Beethoven's Fidelio (Otto Klemperer conducting)
7. Sam Cooke's Portrait of a Legend
8-11 All of Rilo Kiley's albums.
Let's face it my iPod is far more convenient than taking LPs or CDs and a device to play them with... Remember Out of Africa and the records out on safari (is it too late to add Out of Africa to the list?), the iPod would be a lot less sexy, but a lot more practical especially if we could work out some sort of solar power situation. While I prefer some of my little songs over others, I cannot say I dislike many of the 13,844 songs in my iPod, for that is why they are in my library to begin with. And if I take my iPod of this exotic journey, I can have episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Arrested Development with me, in addition to several movies I could put on there in preparation for this desert-ment. (I don't watch Lost, but perhaps I could get all of those episodes on to my iPod to have a sort of theme-night.)
Have iPod, will travel.
What are your desert island picks? This really is a lame game, isn't it?
The topics were these:
Books:
1. Tolstoy's Anna Karenina
2. The complete works of Jane Austen
3. The In Search of Lost Time series by Marcel Proust (mostly because I'm halfway through now and would like to have it as one of my accomplishments to have read all of Proust, even if I happen to be stranded on an island.)
4. The complete works of Oscar Wilde
5. Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
Movies:
1. Rear Window (1954)
2. The Muppet Movie (1979)
3. Something with Colin Firth (Not the A&E/BBC Pride & Prejudice, because the girls just aren't cute enough "Poor Jane, in deed!" - maybe Love Actually or Bridget Jones Diary; I'm not sure, but also probably not The Importance of Being Earnest, because I will of course, on this hypothetical island, have that to read.)
4. Das Leben der Anderen/The Lives of Others (2006)
5. The Sting (1973) (I opted for this over The Way We Were because Paul Newman is in it, and I already have a chick flick with the Colin Firth pick, so sorry K-K-K-Katie.)
Albums:
1. Mendelssohn's Leider Ohne Worte/Songs Without Words (preferably performed by Ilse von Alpenheim, but I could be persuaded elsewhere)
2. Dylan - either Blood on the Tracks(1975) or Bringing It All Back Home (1965)
3. Stevie Wonder - Songs in the Key of Life (1976)
4. The Beatle's white album (1968) (I felt the anthology would have been a cop out, though I would choose to take it all.)
5. Muddy Waters' Anthology
6. Beethoven's Fidelio (Otto Klemperer conducting)
7. Sam Cooke's Portrait of a Legend
8-11 All of Rilo Kiley's albums.
Let's face it my iPod is far more convenient than taking LPs or CDs and a device to play them with... Remember Out of Africa and the records out on safari (is it too late to add Out of Africa to the list?), the iPod would be a lot less sexy, but a lot more practical especially if we could work out some sort of solar power situation. While I prefer some of my little songs over others, I cannot say I dislike many of the 13,844 songs in my iPod, for that is why they are in my library to begin with. And if I take my iPod of this exotic journey, I can have episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Arrested Development with me, in addition to several movies I could put on there in preparation for this desert-ment. (I don't watch Lost, but perhaps I could get all of those episodes on to my iPod to have a sort of theme-night.)
Have iPod, will travel.
What are your desert island picks? This really is a lame game, isn't it?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Just Deposit!
I still use a piggy bank I was given at age 7, that is a little pink, Nike pig with a swoosh that says, "just deposit." I think it is funny. And it has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm about to tell you.
A bunch of weeks ago, my friend Carla and I were out to brunch and we were talking about how much money smokers spend. Carla said, "Add it up, and at the end of the year, you've got a Chanel bag." This got me thinking, as Chanel always does. For my past three paychecks, in addition to saving a percentage of my pay check, I am now putting the equivalent of two packs a day into a new account to save for a specific purpose. What that specific purpose is, I'm not going to share, but it may have something to do with Hermes, a Kharmann ghia, or the continent they both come from.
I think smoking is gross and idiotic. I hated going to my grandparents' house as a child because I would come home and feel like Pigpen looked, surrounded by a dark cloud of smelly tobacconess that wreaked havoc on my little asthmatic lungs. (Although, I do think smoking looks great on film. And now I hate going to my grandparents' house for different reasons.) Nothing could convince me to take up smoking, but, these pretty ones well, they sure are cute. I found that picture here.
A bunch of weeks ago, my friend Carla and I were out to brunch and we were talking about how much money smokers spend. Carla said, "Add it up, and at the end of the year, you've got a Chanel bag." This got me thinking, as Chanel always does. For my past three paychecks, in addition to saving a percentage of my pay check, I am now putting the equivalent of two packs a day into a new account to save for a specific purpose. What that specific purpose is, I'm not going to share, but it may have something to do with Hermes, a Kharmann ghia, or the continent they both come from.
I think smoking is gross and idiotic. I hated going to my grandparents' house as a child because I would come home and feel like Pigpen looked, surrounded by a dark cloud of smelly tobacconess that wreaked havoc on my little asthmatic lungs. (Although, I do think smoking looks great on film. And now I hate going to my grandparents' house for different reasons.) Nothing could convince me to take up smoking, but, these pretty ones well, they sure are cute. I found that picture here.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Molly Montana
My sophomore year at BYU was horrible. One of the reasons was, I shared a room with a delightful person who just could not say no. When asked if the neighbor from downstairs could use her computer, Heidi, my roommate, begrudgingly said, "ok." That's fine. But all of a sudden, this down stairs neighbor was up every day, for three hours, no exaggeration, typing away at an LDS singles website where she had found love. Great for her, lousy for Heidi and me. (This lasted for only two weeks, the girl finally got her computer back from being repaired.)
The majority of my knowledge of Montana comes from either the book or film version of A River Runs Through It. And I should say, I liked the book, and loved the movie. (Norman Maclean, no offense, but I need Bob Redford & Brad Pitt to use the word "love") I've driven through Montana a few times, but have never spent any real length of time there. It is a beautiful place, but kind of like "How I Met your Mother" or Michael Kors, I can appreciate how other people like it, but it is just not for me.
There is a family that goes to my father's church that I used to know. The mother has been switched out for a new one, one I may have been introduced to once, but I don't think so. I was recently informed that she (being this new mother, who I don't know) thinks I need to be set up. With a dentist. Who lives in Missoula, Montana. I'm sure this dentist is a nice fellow, and could hook me up with replacement Sonicare heads for life, but, thanks, but no thanks. (And by that first "thanks" I mean, please never suggest such a ridiculous idea to me again.)
Why do I bring up these seemingly unrelated anecdotes? I'll tell you. If I were the type of girl who actually trusted the opinion of a stranger on matters of potential relationships, I would probably end up like my neighbor from down stairs. Typing away at the computer for hours on end, then meeting the person in real life, discovering he's an inch shorter than me, but marrying him anyway, and then ending up working at Honey Baked Ham. (And yes, this is what happened to this girl.) (And no, she did not give me extra punches on my honey baked ham sandwich card. Bitch!)
The majority of my knowledge of Montana comes from either the book or film version of A River Runs Through It. And I should say, I liked the book, and loved the movie. (Norman Maclean, no offense, but I need Bob Redford & Brad Pitt to use the word "love") I've driven through Montana a few times, but have never spent any real length of time there. It is a beautiful place, but kind of like "How I Met your Mother" or Michael Kors, I can appreciate how other people like it, but it is just not for me.
There is a family that goes to my father's church that I used to know. The mother has been switched out for a new one, one I may have been introduced to once, but I don't think so. I was recently informed that she (being this new mother, who I don't know) thinks I need to be set up. With a dentist. Who lives in Missoula, Montana. I'm sure this dentist is a nice fellow, and could hook me up with replacement Sonicare heads for life, but, thanks, but no thanks. (And by that first "thanks" I mean, please never suggest such a ridiculous idea to me again.)
Why do I bring up these seemingly unrelated anecdotes? I'll tell you. If I were the type of girl who actually trusted the opinion of a stranger on matters of potential relationships, I would probably end up like my neighbor from down stairs. Typing away at the computer for hours on end, then meeting the person in real life, discovering he's an inch shorter than me, but marrying him anyway, and then ending up working at Honey Baked Ham. (And yes, this is what happened to this girl.) (And no, she did not give me extra punches on my honey baked ham sandwich card. Bitch!)
Target Demographic: part two
The other day I was able to hang out with my delightful friend Rachel. She is one of the coolest people I know, and she always tells me about things I would like, be it books, bands, tv shows, whatever. This time, she brought up Sarah Haskins' Target Women. I think her exact phrase was, "You will love her!" Well, Rachel with her impeccable taste was right, oh my goodness. Go, and revel in the irrationalities.
As cliche as it is, I will always love Colin Firth.
As cliche as it is, I will always love Colin Firth.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Because Thanksgiving time equals Trivial Pursuit!
Last night one of the Trivial Pursuit questions had to do with MWLLKR.com. What's that? You've never heard of MWLLKR.com? Oh friends, I don't want to say you've been living in a world without islands in streams and gamblers, but come on. For an entertaining three minutes, for that is about how long the exploration should last, go to www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com. There they have tips on "How to Look like Kenny," "Kenny Spotting Tips," and a Cornbread recipe. I find the current "Kenny of the Month" picture to be MOST AWKWARD, but I think that is, as I have mentioned before, because I need a large segment of humanity to remain asexual in my mind.
If you're craving a different sort of online entertainment, head here and meander around. I especially love the "Things We Love."
Have fun wasting time!
If you're craving a different sort of online entertainment, head here and meander around. I especially love the "Things We Love."
Have fun wasting time!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Target demographic
This is the only version I could find, but I had to share the Will Arnett genius! I hope this brings you as many smiles as it brought me this morning. Unfortunately, they cut out the use of "The Final Countdown"...which was amazing.
Sesame Street will probably post the whole thing on youtube soon, when they do, I'll let you know.
Sesame Street will probably post the whole thing on youtube soon, when they do, I'll let you know.
Monday, November 24, 2008
God bless Chinese Democracy!
Thanks to Guns n' Roses, we all get a free dr. pepper. I thought it was only going on yesterday, (which is of course when I registered, because I am a pepper!) but, according to my friend Brittney, because of consumer demand it is going on today too, so go register to get a free dr. pepper, and think of Guns n' Roses finally delivering an album 14 years in the making, and think about what a beautiful day it is!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tell me where it is before I lose patience with you, Francis.
So, this morning I watched 24 minutes of "Teen Wolf Too". This is not a good movie by anyone's standards, but I thought that since I reference it all of the time, and since it's on, I might as well give it a try. Jason Bateman is a favorite, but I have to say, the only thing that is believable about this movie is the casting of Jason as Michael J. Fox's cousin. (Especially since Jason Bateman's sister Justine played MJF's sister on Family Ties.) Anyway, there was a guy I recognized in the movie. And it was really bothering that I couldn't place him. I thought, he has a sort of "Stillwell Angel" quality, but that's not it. (I was wrong, he played the adult Stillwell in A League of Their Own). After IMDBing him, I immediately knew where I recognized him from. And I couldn't wait to see if someone had posted it on youtube.
His name is Mark Holton. Now you know, if he ever happens to come up in a trivia situation.
His name is Mark Holton. Now you know, if he ever happens to come up in a trivia situation.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Mind The Gap.
Gap ads have always been extremely enjoyable for me. Remember The whole Khaki campaign from the late 90s? (remember Khakis Swing, and how they capitalized on the Matrix' popularity by using the Bullet time effect? Genius!) The "everybody in ________" with Rashida Jones and a posse of other young good looking kids singing cover songs (the best one is Everybody in Vests, ok, maybe Everybody in Leather)? Also from the late 90s, remember the Aerosmith, Lena Horne, or Junior Brown ads? Pretty memorable. Oh, and the Sarah Jessica Parker/Lenny Kravitz ad? That made me want to shop at Gap!
I didn't love the Madge & Missy Elliot, or the Orlando Bloom/Kate Beckinsale commercials. I also didn't love seeing Lucy Liu and John Mayer EVERY where in NYC last year, that was obnoxious times five. But the Spike Jonze ad more than made up for those. Not to mention my favorite, the Audrey Hepburn- Back in Black ad. That was a synergistic meeting that was just waiting to happen.
This holiday season, I am absolutely enchanted by both the print ads and the amazing commercials the Gap crew put together. Not only are Jason and Francesca Bateman so so cute,
but they got Don Draper, aka Jon Hamm, to be non-Don Draper-esque. He's not hiding secrets and disappearing for weeks at a time, he is selling a sweater, and gleeful about it!
Oh, and I should probably tell you to click here and watch Selma Blair flirt with Dwight. Just when I was having a hard time getting in to the season, Flo Rida and Gap are here with fun Christmas carols and striped sweaters I'll never buy, and all of a sudden, I'm filled with anticipation and gift ideas.
And thanks to Patrick Robinson, the clothes have become steadily cuter. It's not my favorite store, but good job, team!
I didn't love the Madge & Missy Elliot, or the Orlando Bloom/Kate Beckinsale commercials. I also didn't love seeing Lucy Liu and John Mayer EVERY where in NYC last year, that was obnoxious times five. But the Spike Jonze ad more than made up for those. Not to mention my favorite, the Audrey Hepburn- Back in Black ad. That was a synergistic meeting that was just waiting to happen.
This holiday season, I am absolutely enchanted by both the print ads and the amazing commercials the Gap crew put together. Not only are Jason and Francesca Bateman so so cute,
but they got Don Draper, aka Jon Hamm, to be non-Don Draper-esque. He's not hiding secrets and disappearing for weeks at a time, he is selling a sweater, and gleeful about it!
Oh, and I should probably tell you to click here and watch Selma Blair flirt with Dwight. Just when I was having a hard time getting in to the season, Flo Rida and Gap are here with fun Christmas carols and striped sweaters I'll never buy, and all of a sudden, I'm filled with anticipation and gift ideas.
And thanks to Patrick Robinson, the clothes have become steadily cuter. It's not my favorite store, but good job, team!
Monday, November 10, 2008
the second funniest thing involving Spiderman I've ever heard.
today I found my friend Hudson, aged 4, without any clothes on, trying to climb up the wall. when I asked him what he was doing, he said, "I'm Spiderman."
*the funniest thing involving Spiderman is not appropriate to post in this sort of forum, but if you want to know I'll tell you.
*the funniest thing involving Spiderman is not appropriate to post in this sort of forum, but if you want to know I'll tell you.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Democracy is fun again!
Tavis Smiley (who is pretty fantastic) said something on NBC tonight that I loved. Something like, "[electing Barack Obama] sends a clear message to America and to the world, that we are a better nation than how we've been behaving." I could not agree more. In fact, it makes me want to sing "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood. Scratch that, nothing could make me sing that song, or even listen to it. I'll just stick with the Jackie Wilson song that played before Barack came out in Chicago, "Your Love keeps Lifting me Higher."
Suffice it to say, I am thrilled.
Suffice it to say, I am thrilled.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
the funniest thing I've experienced in days.
So, Thelma posted this a couple of days ago, and I think it is SO FUNNY, I had to share it.
Dear Sinbad,
Just caught you on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"and would just like to say, YOU'VE STILL GOT IT! (And by "it", I don't mean the windbreaker tracksuits)
Molly
P.S. Rob Thomas as your bitch? Genius!
Molly
P.S. Rob Thomas as your bitch? Genius!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
"I don't watch tv."
Last night, I was home at home all night, trying to get rid of this cold that has suddenly taken over my life. I was downloading some torrents when I stumbled across a link for the "drunk history" series. I usually ignore these things, but I saw Mikey Cera in it, so I had to check it out. It is a 4 part series, with such notable stars as Jack Black, Clark Duke, Chrissie from Growing Pains, Jason Ritter and Danny McBride. I'm not going to lie, it is ridiculous.
And somehow, I stumbled across this poor soul.
{For Becky: He is apparently playing Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 8:00pm and Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 12:00am at the forest 3 bristo place Edinburgh. If you're in the area, you should totes go.}
While watching these videos of people finding an outlet for their creativity as well as their exhibitionism, I was reminded of this girl that I used to work with. I don't want to say that I didn't like her, but just to be clear, I did not. She would always talk about how she didn't watch tv, because it was such a wasteland, she had too much reading to do for school, blah blah blah. One time, a different co-worker was telling me about a youtube video that I should watch, then, this coworker that I didn't like told me that she had seen that video, and how funny it was. She proceeded to tell me that she is addicted to youtube. She had viewed something like 200,000 videos. Wow, and TV is a waste of time?
And somehow, I stumbled across this poor soul.
{For Becky: He is apparently playing Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 8:00pm and Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 12:00am at the forest 3 bristo place Edinburgh. If you're in the area, you should totes go.}
While watching these videos of people finding an outlet for their creativity as well as their exhibitionism, I was reminded of this girl that I used to work with. I don't want to say that I didn't like her, but just to be clear, I did not. She would always talk about how she didn't watch tv, because it was such a wasteland, she had too much reading to do for school, blah blah blah. One time, a different co-worker was telling me about a youtube video that I should watch, then, this coworker that I didn't like told me that she had seen that video, and how funny it was. She proceeded to tell me that she is addicted to youtube. She had viewed something like 200,000 videos. Wow, and TV is a waste of time?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Things I can't get enough of right now:
Love Rhino - Sunny Levine (the song not the whole album)
The Diary of Anais Nin - Volume 3
The Ting Tings
trampolines
Leanne Marshall
apples
being crafty
Fendi's Spring 2009 RTW line.
longboarding
having fun
warm
Charlie & Lola
L'Occitane Hand Cream
80s dancing at Lola's
Côté Maison
reading things on the interweb
The Diary of Anais Nin - Volume 3
The Ting Tings
trampolines
Leanne Marshall
apples
being crafty
Fendi's Spring 2009 RTW line.
longboarding
having fun
warm
Charlie & Lola
L'Occitane Hand Cream
80s dancing at Lola's
Côté Maison
reading things on the interweb
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Molly's To Do List
- sew shirt.
- FINALLY go to kinko's and get Ashley & Jen's things bound, then mail them off. (SLACKER!)
- mail article and dvd's to Reem.
- update intricate filing system.
- make something using the new vanilla paste I got at Williams-Sonoma.
- make papier mache finger for Halloween costume.
- try to get dad to help me with the chair frame. (weather pending)
- finish listening to the general conference addresses I missed online.
- back up my hard drive.
- journal about Cecily's allegory of Nephi & the ocean.
- WRITE!
what's on your to do list this week?
- FINALLY go to kinko's and get Ashley & Jen's things bound, then mail them off. (SLACKER!)
- mail article and dvd's to Reem.
- update intricate filing system.
- make something using the new vanilla paste I got at Williams-Sonoma.
- make papier mache finger for Halloween costume.
- try to get dad to help me with the chair frame. (weather pending)
- finish listening to the general conference addresses I missed online.
- back up my hard drive.
- journal about Cecily's allegory of Nephi & the ocean.
- WRITE!
what's on your to do list this week?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Shout Out
I feel like I need to give a shout out to Thelma & Jooj's gang, The transpacific sketch project. I am always introduced or reminded of something delightful - today especially. The first post I read today was my FAVORITE excerpt from Love Song for J. Alfred Prufrock. And when I say FAVORITE excerpt, I mean, T.S. Eliot is a genius and every time I read it I feel a certain kinship with all of humanity. It makes me a better person, until my mind segues back into my normal mode of operation.
And then, THEN, Andrew Bird appeared. HOLY CRAP, this is what I wish I were creative enough to do with my 12 years of classical violin training.
SHOOT, he is so good. I am in awe. So thanks, transpacific kids!
And then, THEN, Andrew Bird appeared. HOLY CRAP, this is what I wish I were creative enough to do with my 12 years of classical violin training.
SHOOT, he is so good. I am in awe. So thanks, transpacific kids!
Friday, October 3, 2008
What I meant when I said, "let me check my calendar."
- Let me get back to you with a lie I can't come up with at this moment.
- I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
- I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
Monday, September 29, 2008
An experiment in gratitude.
For the past few days I've been trying to be more cognizant of my blessings, so I decided to write down a few each day. Here are the first two pages of things I am grateful for.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Not everyone understands the predictable nature of humanity like me.
I was at the park the other day with three of my favorite kids and Yasu, the Japanese exchange student that is staying with them. We were all playing when a group of middle aged power walkers came to sit at a picnic table near by. A few of them struck up a conversation with me, telling me how adorable the children are. People frequently think that these half Guatemalan children are mine, and some times it is easier just to go along. But this day, they assumed that Yasu was the father. Just like Stephen Colbert, these women couldn't see race. I thought it was kind of funny. The problem came when I started clearing up the misunderstanding.
Molly: He's not their father.
Judging-Power-Walker: Oh. I thought... [insert judgment expression here]Do the kids get to see their fathers often?
Molly: Yes. They've just got one, and he lives at home with them.
JPW: But two of them are so dark, and one is blonde.
Molly: You just thought a Japanese kid was their father.
JPW: Oh, I thought he was Mexican.
OH SNAP!
Molly: He's not their father.
Judging-Power-Walker: Oh. I thought... [insert judgment expression here]Do the kids get to see their fathers often?
Molly: Yes. They've just got one, and he lives at home with them.
JPW: But two of them are so dark, and one is blonde.
Molly: You just thought a Japanese kid was their father.
JPW: Oh, I thought he was Mexican.
OH SNAP!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Write to your congressmen!
Sometimes I forget to be the carefree-hapless-party-girl I was clearly born to be, this happens mostly when I think about the state of the world. I'm not going to get on a soapbox, because that's not why anyone reads this frou-frou blog of mine, (and by anyone I mean Brittney, Whitney, Deanna & Becky the only people who read this - KISSES, LOVERS!)
Anyway, today I emailed Senator Gordon Smith, Senator Ron Wyden and "The honorable" David Wu, who obviously represents my congressional district, about this whole economy bail out thing. Again, feel however you want to about the quagmire our deregulatory greed has gotten us into, but I feel like there is a part of this situation that we are over-looking en masse because of the 700 billion dollar price tag, and that is the elimination of checks and balances. "Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are nonreviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency." Wow. Isn't that terrifying? And we didn't even vote for Hank Paulson. He was appointed. And now, he will be king. Awesome.
I'm not going to lie, emailing these guys made me feel like a liberal tool, but at the same time, I feel like they are representing me, so I should share how I feel. While we still have this semblance of democracy, I'm going to take advantage of it.
Anyway, today I emailed Senator Gordon Smith, Senator Ron Wyden and "The honorable" David Wu, who obviously represents my congressional district, about this whole economy bail out thing. Again, feel however you want to about the quagmire our deregulatory greed has gotten us into, but I feel like there is a part of this situation that we are over-looking en masse because of the 700 billion dollar price tag, and that is the elimination of checks and balances. "Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are nonreviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency." Wow. Isn't that terrifying? And we didn't even vote for Hank Paulson. He was appointed. And now, he will be king. Awesome.
I'm not going to lie, emailing these guys made me feel like a liberal tool, but at the same time, I feel like they are representing me, so I should share how I feel. While we still have this semblance of democracy, I'm going to take advantage of it.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
some day i want to be a 17 year old apple picker from croatia.
whilst perusing lookbook today i came across this adorable girl, and completely have a life-crush on her and her fabulous chanel specs. not to mention the hair. and the scarf. and her face.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Because my inner monologue either sounds like Mitch Hedberg or an Infomercial.
Do you ever pass out at parties and come to only to find an inappropriate image or word written on your face in permanent marker? Sure, we all do.*
Are you tired of having your skin be embarrassingly red and irritated after the hours of scrubbing it takes to get marker off with plain soap?
Now, for a limited time only,** you too can enjoy the gentle depigmentation of the ink on your arm with Keihl's Supremely Gentle Eye Make-up Remover! With just one application your inappropriate inking can go from this:
To this:
WOW! What a difference! As a bonus, it also works at taking off eye make-up!
*I was not passed out, or even under the influence of any substance. My friend*** decided that since I wrote "Ryan + Molly" inside of a heart on his arm, I needed some marking as well.
**Just kidding. It's been around for ever, and will continue to be around because it is so awesome.
***Don't trust Ryan with a sharpie.
What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never give it a chance. What the F@%# is a sesame? It's a street. It's a way to open s*%#.****
**** That is because I mentioned Mitch Hedberg in the title. Really, when I'm not selling things to myself, I pretend I'm a hilarious stoner. RIP, Mitch.
Are you tired of having your skin be embarrassingly red and irritated after the hours of scrubbing it takes to get marker off with plain soap?
Now, for a limited time only,** you too can enjoy the gentle depigmentation of the ink on your arm with Keihl's Supremely Gentle Eye Make-up Remover! With just one application your inappropriate inking can go from this:
To this:
WOW! What a difference! As a bonus, it also works at taking off eye make-up!
*I was not passed out, or even under the influence of any substance. My friend*** decided that since I wrote "Ryan + Molly" inside of a heart on his arm, I needed some marking as well.
**Just kidding. It's been around for ever, and will continue to be around because it is so awesome.
***Don't trust Ryan with a sharpie.
What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never give it a chance. What the F@%# is a sesame? It's a street. It's a way to open s*%#.****
**** That is because I mentioned Mitch Hedberg in the title. Really, when I'm not selling things to myself, I pretend I'm a hilarious stoner. RIP, Mitch.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
101 Reasons I love Reem.
1. She's funny.
2. She was cool in Jr. High - and that is a feat. (She is still cool.)
3. She is nice.
4. She has beautiful eyes and perfect brows.
5. She's very funny.
6. She has put up with being my friend since 1996.
7. She's a very good long distance friend.
8. Did I mention she is funny?
9. She's got game.
10. She's fabulous.
11. She RARELY rehashes the past, and when she does, it is not with spite.
12. She is not passive-aggressive.
13. She has lots of talents.
14. She is incredibly endearing.
15. She has "nice vowels".
16. She is practical and realistic, the yin to my yang.
17. Her current facebook status is a shout-out to me--and I like that.
18. She told me to write this blog.
19. She is one of my oldest and dearest friends, and will forgive me for not knowing exactly how to articulate why.
So, not exactly 101, but stay tuned. I may post some more.
2. She was cool in Jr. High - and that is a feat. (She is still cool.)
3. She is nice.
4. She has beautiful eyes and perfect brows.
5. She's very funny.
6. She has put up with being my friend since 1996.
7. She's a very good long distance friend.
8. Did I mention she is funny?
9. She's got game.
10. She's fabulous.
11. She RARELY rehashes the past, and when she does, it is not with spite.
12. She is not passive-aggressive.
13. She has lots of talents.
14. She is incredibly endearing.
15. She has "nice vowels".
16. She is practical and realistic, the yin to my yang.
17. Her current facebook status is a shout-out to me--and I like that.
18. She told me to write this blog.
19. She is one of my oldest and dearest friends, and will forgive me for not knowing exactly how to articulate why.
So, not exactly 101, but stay tuned. I may post some more.
Friday, September 12, 2008
A few non sequiturs I've written in my journal this week:
- Sarah Palin reminds me of Joe from Project Runway, in that clearly they both lack talent and experience, but they have egos that would suggest otherwise. (what's so great about being a gun-totin' hockey mom? I don't get it. oh, and Joe totally dresses in drag.)
- Ethan Embry is underrated, or at least he was in the late 90's when he had a career.
- Donald Rumsfeld = Pure, unadulterated evil. Note to self: never ingest aspartame again.
- I get a lot of bruises playing with Hudson, Sydney & Austin. Maybe I'm anemic. Or maybe they are just freakishly strong with instances of rage. I think I'll go with that one.
- Trampolines and bicycles are awesome.
- I need to remember that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia starts next Thursday!
- Ethan Embry is underrated, or at least he was in the late 90's when he had a career.
- Donald Rumsfeld = Pure, unadulterated evil. Note to self: never ingest aspartame again.
- I get a lot of bruises playing with Hudson, Sydney & Austin. Maybe I'm anemic. Or maybe they are just freakishly strong with instances of rage. I think I'll go with that one.
- Trampolines and bicycles are awesome.
- I need to remember that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia starts next Thursday!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Photographic Evidence for Ali
Ali -
Here's the dresser I bought off of Craigslist and then refinished. I took the mirror and made a frame for it out of reclaimed molding. Who doesn't love recycling? And who doesn't love mid-century modern?
BEFORE:
AFTER:
And here's the table that Molly built. I purchased a glass cabinet door from the ReBuilding Center on Mississippi, then added some mdf which I routed out a design in, nailed on a couple pieces of pine on the bottom, and threw on some recycled legs I found at a garage sale.
I'll show you the chair I reupholstered soon. Kisses & misses!
molly.
Here's the dresser I bought off of Craigslist and then refinished. I took the mirror and made a frame for it out of reclaimed molding. Who doesn't love recycling? And who doesn't love mid-century modern?
BEFORE:
AFTER:
And here's the table that Molly built. I purchased a glass cabinet door from the ReBuilding Center on Mississippi, then added some mdf which I routed out a design in, nailed on a couple pieces of pine on the bottom, and threw on some recycled legs I found at a garage sale.
I'll show you the chair I reupholstered soon. Kisses & misses!
molly.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Jaywalking.
This morning my brother and I were traveling through the streets of Portland at a time when most people are contributing to society and the economy by working. My brother was telling me about a time he saw a woman start to jaywalk, making a young woman in her car screech to a halt. As the jaywalking woman got to the stopped car, she put her purse on the hood of the stopped car and started rifling through it. My brother said that the woman in the car was confused and frustrated and probably fearing for her life, while all of the cars behind her were honking with road rage. The jaywalker then screamed, "Hold on a minute!" and continued searching through her bag. As my brother revealed that the woman finally pulled out a lipstick or something equally anti-climactic, I almost choked on my apple, because right in front of us was a man jaywalking against traffic. He looked dazed and completely out of it as he crossed in front of the car next to me, while we were all very anxious to take advantage of the green light. All of a sudden, a delivery van zoomed by me in the other lane, coming fast in dazed guy's direction. As the van passed within inches of the jaywalker, he jumped back, startled, and then returned to his snail-like, drug-induced state crossing the street not knowing he was inconveniencing dozens of people in the intersection.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Genius is inspiring, even in a 1 minute commercial. (or 3)
These have been around for years, but I just can't get enough of them. Kind of like that Angry Chicken commercial by Nike.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
An Open Letter To TV:
Dear TV,
I am writing because I am concerned I will be spending too much time with you this fall season.
Monday: Gossip Girl
Wednesday: Pushing Daisies, Project Runway (and potentially Top Design)
Thursday: My Name is Earl, The Office & 30 Rock (and so I'll probably watch Kath & Kim too, because why watch 90 minutes of TV when you can watch a 2 hour block?)
Friday: Bill Moyer's Journal
I am looking at seven hours of TV a week, and that's not even counting the occasional viewing of Coupling, You Are What you Eat, Cash Cab, or How Clean is Your House.
I think I need to cut some out. Sadly, and thankfully, Project Runway will end soon after Fashion Week. Maybe I'll stop Gossip Girl since I hate the story lines and most of the characters? But what about the delightful times watching with Becky, Shara & Lindsey. Oh TV, I need to get a life - but can I give up 30 Rock or Pushing Daisies? TV, remember when I hated you? Those were better times for me, I think. You've done me wrong before, but also brought me a lot of enjoyment.
I guess I need to work this out for myself, and definitely work on doing something whilst watching the copious amounts of you, but thanks for listening.
Also, can do me a favor and get rid of a few of the CSI's and Law & Orders...they are pretty much lame. Thanks.
Your old friend,
Molly
I am writing because I am concerned I will be spending too much time with you this fall season.
Monday: Gossip Girl
Wednesday: Pushing Daisies, Project Runway (and potentially Top Design)
Thursday: My Name is Earl, The Office & 30 Rock (and so I'll probably watch Kath & Kim too, because why watch 90 minutes of TV when you can watch a 2 hour block?)
Friday: Bill Moyer's Journal
I am looking at seven hours of TV a week, and that's not even counting the occasional viewing of Coupling, You Are What you Eat, Cash Cab, or How Clean is Your House.
I think I need to cut some out. Sadly, and thankfully, Project Runway will end soon after Fashion Week. Maybe I'll stop Gossip Girl since I hate the story lines and most of the characters? But what about the delightful times watching with Becky, Shara & Lindsey. Oh TV, I need to get a life - but can I give up 30 Rock or Pushing Daisies? TV, remember when I hated you? Those were better times for me, I think. You've done me wrong before, but also brought me a lot of enjoyment.
I guess I need to work this out for myself, and definitely work on doing something whilst watching the copious amounts of you, but thanks for listening.
Also, can do me a favor and get rid of a few of the CSI's and Law & Orders...they are pretty much lame. Thanks.
Your old friend,
Molly
Monday, September 1, 2008
My first baby themed craft project.
My adorable (and token republican) friend Natalie is about to give birth to what is destined to be a fabulous little person named Olive. So, to celebrate this momentous happening, I made a baby blanket. My first ever blanket, and I thought it turned out pretty much adorable.
(Natalie actually told me that she had no plans to let Olive poop on this blanket, which I'm not going to lie, validated my crafty venture completely.)
(Natalie actually told me that she had no plans to let Olive poop on this blanket, which I'm not going to lie, validated my crafty venture completely.)
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Jason & Silver's Wedding
I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago, of two musicians and promptly decided that I need to befriend musicians solely based on the entertainment at the wedding. Jason & Silver are in a band (formerly known as Softcore), and all of their friends are in other bands. As a wedding favor they gave out a cd that they produced the night before of a cover of "I Want to Hold You Hand" with vocals by a girl called Miranda Vettrus and a sexy voiced male, James Kenney. For the past few weeks I have been listening to this track quite a bit because James' voice is so dead sexy. While I will share this track with anyone who wants it, I want to mainly introduce to a few people who might enjoy him, James Kenney.
His style, vocal and otherwise, is a little like James Morrison meets Gavin DeGraw. I know he just finished a new album, and I'm really hoping that the lyrics are less like cliche Gavin DeGraw lyrics, the tracks on his myspace page, from his last album, are a little touch and go, but he's worth a listen. Definitely.
And he's got a cute pregnant wife whom he fetches grapes for.
His style, vocal and otherwise, is a little like James Morrison meets Gavin DeGraw. I know he just finished a new album, and I'm really hoping that the lyrics are less like cliche Gavin DeGraw lyrics, the tracks on his myspace page, from his last album, are a little touch and go, but he's worth a listen. Definitely.
And he's got a cute pregnant wife whom he fetches grapes for.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Driving on Water
In case you haven't heard, here's one of the thousands on youtube that talk about converting water into HHO and running cars on water.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Teach Me Tiger.
Sometimes I find that I have forgotten about something that has brought me a lot of joy. "Teach Me Tiger" by April Stevens is one of those things. I had forgotten it existed until iTunes shuffled to it today whilst I was being crafty. I knew I had to share this little gem with you, which is how I stumbled upon this delightful "music video", or as mummysrus says, "Groovy Vision".
Monday, August 4, 2008
Hippies
My dear friend Alister told me a joke one time that has successfully become one of four jokes that I can remember, because I think it is SO FUNNY.
q. Why do hippies wear patchouli?
a. So that blind people can hate them too.
I don’t hate hippies, on the contrary, to each his own. I like to wash my hair and wear clothes made out of non-hemp material, but far be it from me to begrudge anyone either of those things.
That being said, I was at the mall the other day with two of the kids I play with all day. It was cold outside, so we went to play on the indoor play area. One of the other children at the play area was a girl about 4 who had major dreadlocks. Her mother had dreads and under the Rasta style hat, I’m pretty sure her father did as well. If you want your hair to be in dreads fine, but BATHE YOUR CHILDREN! Unless they are doing the backcombing or rub a wool sweater around your head methods, this little girl hasn’t had her hair washed probably since they washed the after birth off of her, (all of those scenarios deserve a call to CSD). Real dreads take time, and this little girl’s dreads were hardcore. I hope she is filled with forgiveness and love, for if she’s not, those parents will have a very angry bald girl on their hands when she decides she wants a clean head.
q. Why do hippies wear patchouli?
a. So that blind people can hate them too.
I don’t hate hippies, on the contrary, to each his own. I like to wash my hair and wear clothes made out of non-hemp material, but far be it from me to begrudge anyone either of those things.
That being said, I was at the mall the other day with two of the kids I play with all day. It was cold outside, so we went to play on the indoor play area. One of the other children at the play area was a girl about 4 who had major dreadlocks. Her mother had dreads and under the Rasta style hat, I’m pretty sure her father did as well. If you want your hair to be in dreads fine, but BATHE YOUR CHILDREN! Unless they are doing the backcombing or rub a wool sweater around your head methods, this little girl hasn’t had her hair washed probably since they washed the after birth off of her, (all of those scenarios deserve a call to CSD). Real dreads take time, and this little girl’s dreads were hardcore. I hope she is filled with forgiveness and love, for if she’s not, those parents will have a very angry bald girl on their hands when she decides she wants a clean head.
Ageism.
Old people frighten me. I admitted this to a couple of friends recently, who I'm sure thought I was kidding, or excessively cruel, but really and truly, the geriatric set make me as uncomfortable as mimes and clowns do. I think the primary factor is I have crummy grandparents, so I never saw past the creepy and got to the endearing. Before you go judging me for my outspokeness, just think about the age spots, the lack of elastin and, the transparent skin on their hands which makes for very visible veinage. The old person voice also weirds me out. They've earned it by speaking millions and millions of words and singing along to countless songs, but it doesn't sit well with my ears. Not to mention the medication smell, and if you're my grandparents, the overwhelming idea that they have been not only drinking lots of bourbon, but marinating themselves in it and despite the fact that alcohol is so flammable, been chain smoking for years on end. Just being around them gives me a headache. (There is also always something sketchy on their phone, and even as a small child I would wash after having to use it.)
I watched a couple of documentaries recently on some aged members of the world community, and have to say that as long as there is a theater free from smell-o-vision, I like movies about old people. Young @ Heart is about a choir of geriatric singers who tour the world and sing rock and pop songs. I cried several times during the film. It's kind of amazing how quickly I allow myself to care for the social actors. The most touching was Fred singing "Fix You". OH MY GOSH! Watch this movie. It's very kino-pravda, and very great.
The other was a film about Jimmy Carter, who is absolutely one of my favorite humans ever to walk this earth. Jimmy and Rosalynn are old people I am not afraid of. There is a gleam in Jimmy's eye that draws the attention away from the fact he is in his 80s. And for the most part, his voice sounds a lot like it did 30 years ago when he was Commander-in-chief. Plus, he can drive a nail into a habitat for humanity house better than most people one quarter of his age. One day, I hope I can be even a little bit like Jimmy, because just a little bit of Jimmy Carter would exponentially increase the odds to getting this cynical ageist into heaven when she is covered with wrinkles and age spots and smells of old person.
(I'm also not afraid of Jen's grandparents.)
I watched a couple of documentaries recently on some aged members of the world community, and have to say that as long as there is a theater free from smell-o-vision, I like movies about old people. Young @ Heart is about a choir of geriatric singers who tour the world and sing rock and pop songs. I cried several times during the film. It's kind of amazing how quickly I allow myself to care for the social actors. The most touching was Fred singing "Fix You". OH MY GOSH! Watch this movie. It's very kino-pravda, and very great.
The other was a film about Jimmy Carter, who is absolutely one of my favorite humans ever to walk this earth. Jimmy and Rosalynn are old people I am not afraid of. There is a gleam in Jimmy's eye that draws the attention away from the fact he is in his 80s. And for the most part, his voice sounds a lot like it did 30 years ago when he was Commander-in-chief. Plus, he can drive a nail into a habitat for humanity house better than most people one quarter of his age. One day, I hope I can be even a little bit like Jimmy, because just a little bit of Jimmy Carter would exponentially increase the odds to getting this cynical ageist into heaven when she is covered with wrinkles and age spots and smells of old person.
(I'm also not afraid of Jen's grandparents.)
Monday, July 21, 2008
Toby Keith and the Dance of the Seven Veils.
I discovered what I am calling my "Judgment Wrinkle." So, in order to stave off progression, I've been trying very hard for the past month or so to stay away from my judgment expression. (Hopefully as a bonus I might make some more friends?) Some of my activities have proven difficult to keep my resolve, but I feel like, for the most part, I've been successful.
My Friday night was spent at a country bar out further than the airport. To say that I felt like a fish out of water would be cliche, but accurate. It wasn't the mullets under the cowboy hats. It wasn't the worked hands, boots, or tight Levi's. It was the combination of all of the above with a mechanical bull and alcohol, topped off with the loudest music I have ever heard (and I go to a lot of concerts).
We got there early to have a line dance lesson, and learned a fabulous little dance called the Tush Push. Unfortunately, knowing a single, easy line dance does not qualify one as being boy-scoutedly prepared for a night of country-flavored fun.
At one point, Shara and I were sitting watching a couple dance. She was wearing a silk mini dress, and he was wearing a wife beater and baggy pants. The man was very into his lady friend. Thankfully, the girl was too drunk to be embarrassed when, while dancing closely, her man made her bare assed to the rest of the bar. OOPS! She was ok, for she proceeded to take his handkerchief and do an awkward seduction dance. I would compare it to the dance of the seven veils, except that it was very unsexy. Her partner, however, seemed very pleased, which should be all that matters, except that we were present, so we now have a say. The best part about watching this couple was Shara noting that the woman had a very "Lucille 2" quality. Which was absolutely true.
But I have to say that the highlight of the evening took place while Toby Keith (that's right, country music sensation Toby Keith) was in the corner signing autographs. I was doing an horrible imitation of a two step with Ryan when all of a sudden I was whisked away by some 45 year old man with 60 grit sandpaper for skin and a huge, huge hat. He was obviously very good friends with Jack, Jim and Bud, and as I was trying to figure out how to get out of dancing with him, he started flirting with me.
"Is he your friend?"
"Yes."
"IS HE YOUR FRIEND?"
"Yes he's my friend."
"You're gorgeous."
"Um, thanks?"
"Are you scared?"
"no."
"ARE YOU SCARED?"
"still not scared."
"Why don't you smile?"
(scared does not accurately describe what was going through my mind, but apparently, my new attempt at not having a judgment expression is interpreted by middle aged drunk men as fear.)
He proceeded to shoot pick up lines at me, which I really had no idea how to respond to. Finally, he said, "Do you like Toby Keith?" Not wanting to be misconstrued as friendly or flirty, I told the truth, "No."
"Why not?"
"I'm not really that into country, and he's too outspokenly republican."
At this, sand-paper hands seemed to be affronted and, suffice it to say, the pick-up lines stopped. I could tell that it took all of his manners not to jilt me on the dance floor--almost as much effort as it took me to not raise my eyebrows.
**Shout out to Xtina for the pic. Because, Heaven knows, I wouldn't take Toby's picture.
My Friday night was spent at a country bar out further than the airport. To say that I felt like a fish out of water would be cliche, but accurate. It wasn't the mullets under the cowboy hats. It wasn't the worked hands, boots, or tight Levi's. It was the combination of all of the above with a mechanical bull and alcohol, topped off with the loudest music I have ever heard (and I go to a lot of concerts).
We got there early to have a line dance lesson, and learned a fabulous little dance called the Tush Push. Unfortunately, knowing a single, easy line dance does not qualify one as being boy-scoutedly prepared for a night of country-flavored fun.
At one point, Shara and I were sitting watching a couple dance. She was wearing a silk mini dress, and he was wearing a wife beater and baggy pants. The man was very into his lady friend. Thankfully, the girl was too drunk to be embarrassed when, while dancing closely, her man made her bare assed to the rest of the bar. OOPS! She was ok, for she proceeded to take his handkerchief and do an awkward seduction dance. I would compare it to the dance of the seven veils, except that it was very unsexy. Her partner, however, seemed very pleased, which should be all that matters, except that we were present, so we now have a say. The best part about watching this couple was Shara noting that the woman had a very "Lucille 2" quality. Which was absolutely true.
But I have to say that the highlight of the evening took place while Toby Keith (that's right, country music sensation Toby Keith) was in the corner signing autographs. I was doing an horrible imitation of a two step with Ryan when all of a sudden I was whisked away by some 45 year old man with 60 grit sandpaper for skin and a huge, huge hat. He was obviously very good friends with Jack, Jim and Bud, and as I was trying to figure out how to get out of dancing with him, he started flirting with me.
"Is he your friend?"
"Yes."
"IS HE YOUR FRIEND?"
"Yes he's my friend."
"You're gorgeous."
"Um, thanks?"
"Are you scared?"
"no."
"ARE YOU SCARED?"
"still not scared."
"Why don't you smile?"
(scared does not accurately describe what was going through my mind, but apparently, my new attempt at not having a judgment expression is interpreted by middle aged drunk men as fear.)
He proceeded to shoot pick up lines at me, which I really had no idea how to respond to. Finally, he said, "Do you like Toby Keith?" Not wanting to be misconstrued as friendly or flirty, I told the truth, "No."
"Why not?"
"I'm not really that into country, and he's too outspokenly republican."
At this, sand-paper hands seemed to be affronted and, suffice it to say, the pick-up lines stopped. I could tell that it took all of his manners not to jilt me on the dance floor--almost as much effort as it took me to not raise my eyebrows.
**Shout out to Xtina for the pic. Because, Heaven knows, I wouldn't take Toby's picture.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Tim Gunn is living in my Closet.
I have a tendency to name inanimate objects. It started with my iPod and other computer accessories, Lucille 2 my iPod, Flicka my camera, Jack Handy the USB thing that connects my phone's memory card to my computer, etc. Then my ugly comfy sheepskin slippers I named after Craig T. Nelson, or my Craig T.'s.
I got a new sewing machine, an amazing new sewing machine that blows my old Singer out of the water. The new sewing machine is a Brother Limited Edition Project Runway sewing machine, with so many features that I can't even contain my joy. I named it Tim Gunn, and now have no option but to "make it work." I also like the pink part around the LCD screen!
I got a new sewing machine, an amazing new sewing machine that blows my old Singer out of the water. The new sewing machine is a Brother Limited Edition Project Runway sewing machine, with so many features that I can't even contain my joy. I named it Tim Gunn, and now have no option but to "make it work." I also like the pink part around the LCD screen!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
My Favorite Part, episode 2
“What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?” – Mel Horowitz, Clueless
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
-T.S. Eliot, Love Song for J. Alfred Prufrock
There’s something in the way you laugh that makes me feel like a child. – Jason Mraz, After an Afternoon
“On the run from Johnny Law, it ain’t no trip to Cleveland.” – Dignan, Bottle Rocket
”Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry, it merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.” –Zora Neale Hurston, How it feels to be Colored me.
“This is the squalid, or moving, part of the story, and the scene changes. The people change, too. I’m still around, but from here on in, for reasons I’m not at liberty to disclose, I’ve disguised myself so cunningly that even the cleverest reader will fail to recognize me.” – J.D. Salinger, For Esme—With Love and Squalor
You want the sunrise to go back to bed, and I want to make you laugh. –Joshua Radin, Paperweight
“But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man’s body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.” – Milan Kundera,
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
“Lloyd wears washable neckties.” – Dorothy Parker, Men I’m Not Married to
“Oh my. What have we here? A rainy night in the city has cleared the sidewalks of all but the most intrepid pedestrians, and those who didn’t brave the elements have no idea what they’re missing. Because there you are, gliding along on your bicycle, just a few feet ahead of me.
“You’re obviously not one of those tedious hard-core cycling enthusiasts—no skin-tight black spandex for you. No, just a simple white T-shirt (soaked through to the skin, clinging to the small of your back) and a long blond ponytail, whipping back and forth like the tail of a cartoon pony, as those long legs of yours pump the pedals and you raise your face to the sky, letting the raindrops freckle your cheeks with sweet diamonds of moisture.
“Dare I try to catch up to you? I’m on foot, carrying a bunch of shopping bags, but you’ve paused at a red light, and—what the heck? I don’t know what I’ll say to you, but even the clumsiest of introductions on these glistening nighttime streets will give us a romantic how-we-met anecdote that we’ll love telling for years to come.
“Caught you! Here I am!
“And there you are. I see now that you’re a dude. My mistake. It was the ponytail that threw me off.
(Duration of crush: thirty-three seconds.)” – Paul Simms, Four Short Crushes
“Stay away from him. He’s a boy!” – Gymnast Nun, Girls Just Want to Have Fun
“No, ‘The Love Guru’ is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.” – A.O. Scott, NYT review.
“My first jujitsu class was three and a half months ago. Self-defense was something that I was extremely curious about, for obvious reasons, and Mom thought it would be good for me to have a physical activity besides tambourining.” – Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
“This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.” – David Sedaris, Keeping Up
“When behind a young man on a bus, she finds herself staring at his neck. The urge to touch it is almost overwhelming! And then he scratches it, as if he knew.” –Zadie Smith, The Autograph Man
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
-T.S. Eliot, Love Song for J. Alfred Prufrock
There’s something in the way you laugh that makes me feel like a child. – Jason Mraz, After an Afternoon
“On the run from Johnny Law, it ain’t no trip to Cleveland.” – Dignan, Bottle Rocket
”Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry, it merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.” –Zora Neale Hurston, How it feels to be Colored me.
“This is the squalid, or moving, part of the story, and the scene changes. The people change, too. I’m still around, but from here on in, for reasons I’m not at liberty to disclose, I’ve disguised myself so cunningly that even the cleverest reader will fail to recognize me.” – J.D. Salinger, For Esme—With Love and Squalor
You want the sunrise to go back to bed, and I want to make you laugh. –Joshua Radin, Paperweight
“But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man’s body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life’s most intense fulfillment The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.” – Milan Kundera,
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
“Lloyd wears washable neckties.” – Dorothy Parker, Men I’m Not Married to
“Oh my. What have we here? A rainy night in the city has cleared the sidewalks of all but the most intrepid pedestrians, and those who didn’t brave the elements have no idea what they’re missing. Because there you are, gliding along on your bicycle, just a few feet ahead of me.
“You’re obviously not one of those tedious hard-core cycling enthusiasts—no skin-tight black spandex for you. No, just a simple white T-shirt (soaked through to the skin, clinging to the small of your back) and a long blond ponytail, whipping back and forth like the tail of a cartoon pony, as those long legs of yours pump the pedals and you raise your face to the sky, letting the raindrops freckle your cheeks with sweet diamonds of moisture.
“Dare I try to catch up to you? I’m on foot, carrying a bunch of shopping bags, but you’ve paused at a red light, and—what the heck? I don’t know what I’ll say to you, but even the clumsiest of introductions on these glistening nighttime streets will give us a romantic how-we-met anecdote that we’ll love telling for years to come.
“Caught you! Here I am!
“And there you are. I see now that you’re a dude. My mistake. It was the ponytail that threw me off.
(Duration of crush: thirty-three seconds.)” – Paul Simms, Four Short Crushes
“Stay away from him. He’s a boy!” – Gymnast Nun, Girls Just Want to Have Fun
“No, ‘The Love Guru’ is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.” – A.O. Scott, NYT review.
“My first jujitsu class was three and a half months ago. Self-defense was something that I was extremely curious about, for obvious reasons, and Mom thought it would be good for me to have a physical activity besides tambourining.” – Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
“This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.” – David Sedaris, Keeping Up
“When behind a young man on a bus, she finds herself staring at his neck. The urge to touch it is almost overwhelming! And then he scratches it, as if he knew.” –Zadie Smith, The Autograph Man
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Voisins gênants.
I'm not one of those people who is super friendly with their neighbors. I'm not unfriendly, but, if you don't approach me, I probably won't go out of my way to talk to you either. I'm ok with the status quo, I know 5 out of my nine cul-de-sac neighbors--not too shabby. I think I would know more if the weather in the northwest were not so foul for 2/3 of a the year; neighbors seem to be fair-weather friends.
Tonight I was in my front yard painting some flower boxes and a picket fence when I overheard one of my neighbors say, "It's really good stuff that we got. I hope we don't get arrested." He said this to his wife as they were unloading their baby and toddler from their car. And this was after they were home, packed up the kids and the car and left, only to come back 30 minutes later. It's statements like that that make my mind reel.
My first thought, naturally, was drugs. "Kids, you remember Pepper Jack. He's going to hook Mommy and Daddy up with some crack rock. Thanks Pepper Jack! See you next week."
My next thought: terrorism. I'm not sure what they could be cooking up over there, but maybe I should call homeland security. Wait, shh shh, do you hear that? What's that weird sound? No, no, they just want you to think that's their air conditioner, but really it's some thing they said we would find in Iraq.
After several scenarios like this, I decided he probably has a sense of humor like me, and also like me, says things too loudly which could be misconstrued out of context. One of my windows overlooks their backyard, I'll keep my eye open. I wonder what's going on in that huge shed they built last summer. No, this is crazy, they are good, drug-free people. Maybe I should throw a neighborhood barbecue so that I can figure him out. Or maybe, I should go Tom Hanks in "The 'burbs" on them and figure out what is REALLY going on. I wonder if Corey Feldman is available...
Tonight I was in my front yard painting some flower boxes and a picket fence when I overheard one of my neighbors say, "It's really good stuff that we got. I hope we don't get arrested." He said this to his wife as they were unloading their baby and toddler from their car. And this was after they were home, packed up the kids and the car and left, only to come back 30 minutes later. It's statements like that that make my mind reel.
My first thought, naturally, was drugs. "Kids, you remember Pepper Jack. He's going to hook Mommy and Daddy up with some crack rock. Thanks Pepper Jack! See you next week."
My next thought: terrorism. I'm not sure what they could be cooking up over there, but maybe I should call homeland security. Wait, shh shh, do you hear that? What's that weird sound? No, no, they just want you to think that's their air conditioner, but really it's some thing they said we would find in Iraq.
After several scenarios like this, I decided he probably has a sense of humor like me, and also like me, says things too loudly which could be misconstrued out of context. One of my windows overlooks their backyard, I'll keep my eye open. I wonder what's going on in that huge shed they built last summer. No, this is crazy, they are good, drug-free people. Maybe I should throw a neighborhood barbecue so that I can figure him out. Or maybe, I should go Tom Hanks in "The 'burbs" on them and figure out what is REALLY going on. I wonder if Corey Feldman is available...
Monday, June 30, 2008
what a fun, sexy time for us.
a few things I've found regarding my one true love, Arrested D that you will probably be interested in.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a77cce5dcf -- about 2:45 in Will Ferrell promises to fund the film himself, as long as it is shot in Mexico and dubbed in Spanish (I feel like that could be VERY funny. Very, El Amor Prohibido)
http://www.mtv.com/movies/news/articles/1590059/20080626/story.jhtml
and for a play-by-play account: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrested_Development_(TV_series)#Feature_film
And, in case you want a sexy time from AD to tide you over--
Buster: talking about Starla She's not a whore, mother. Yes - she happens to be more experienced than a normal girl, but sometimes love should be... Terrifying. flashback to earlier that week--Buster has locked himself in Starla's bathroom I'll be right in! Then maybe we can talk about. Making that love. He slashes through the screen in the window, and climbs out.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a77cce5dcf -- about 2:45 in Will Ferrell promises to fund the film himself, as long as it is shot in Mexico and dubbed in Spanish (I feel like that could be VERY funny. Very, El Amor Prohibido)
http://www.mtv.com/movies/news/articles/1590059/20080626/story.jhtml
and for a play-by-play account: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrested_Development_(TV_series)#Feature_film
And, in case you want a sexy time from AD to tide you over--
Buster: talking about Starla She's not a whore, mother. Yes - she happens to be more experienced than a normal girl, but sometimes love should be... Terrifying. flashback to earlier that week--Buster has locked himself in Starla's bathroom I'll be right in! Then maybe we can talk about. Making that love. He slashes through the screen in the window, and climbs out.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
They got the "Horror" Part Right.
Be Advised: Really long blog with strong usage of parentheticals and hyphenates ahead. The MPAA would rate this PG13 for brief language and adult situations.
Who: Molly, MFB, & Bex
Where: Clinton Street Theater, Portland, OR
When: Saturday night.
What: Midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"
Why: Molly thought it would be less awkward than a house party, at which she knew none of the people so felt like a tool playing flip cup with water. (Molly was WRONG!)
I was anticipating people being dressed up and singing along. What I was not anticipating was an hour of pre-movie puerile escapades of horny exhibitionists. When we entered the theater there was a young morbidly obese man, with a guitar and a scantily clad young woman next to him. He was singing an ode to strippers whilst the young woman danced next to him, doing the same 4 moves over and over again for the duration of the way-too-long song. There were a couple other songs with a lot of really bad stage banter, and then he exited the stage, but not before he announced that he was "someone's fetish." Finally, the movie, oh, no, wait, what’s that? It’s another guy getting up on stage. He has hair longer than all of the women in the theater, and you can tell that though he doesn’t maintain it, it is his pride and joy. He yells directly into a microphone, and yet mumbles at the same time.
He thinks he is charismatic and funny; he is wrong. He brings all of the people celebrating their birthday to the stage, 7 people, ranging in age from 15 to past legal, and he has them grab their ankles whilst a line of people, the not very cleverly called the “Mega-Ass Slap Train,” you guessed it, slapped their asses. We think this is strange, but surely the movie will start soon and everything will settle down. Unfortunately for us, the movie did not start quickly. Instead, we had to suffer through the emcee bringing dozens of people for which it was their first time there to the stage. (MFB, Bex, and I did not go up; not because we aren’t fun, but because we're not stupid.)
The poor schmucks on stage were put through a series of wildly inappropriate games, i.e., “Best Chest Contest”, (during which, one of the girls actually shed her top, just like she would in the very popular ‘Girls with Low Self-Esteem’ videos,) “The Pants-Off Dance-Off”, “Kama Sutra Combat” “Pin the Dick on the Douche-bag” and the “Fake an Orgasm game” (which, Chicken would have won had we had him with us). What was most disturbing was the emcee’s several not-so-subtle allusions to pedophilia. He had all of the minors (and there were several) stand facing the back of the stage and grab their ankles. Then he wanted the audience to yell an expletive starting with “f” at them, which of course they did, and then the emcee said, "now you can go home and say you were [effed] in the ass by the entire audience." SO EFFED UP!
I’ve always felt that there is a certain segment of society that needs to remain asexual. I don’t care whether or not these people have sex, I just can’t think of them as sexual beings because I get grossed out. All of the people in charge of this show were people who probably have never even had sex, (certainly not without slipping their date a Forget-Me-Now) but who were absolutely obsessed with it.
At around 1 a.m. they finally started the movie, I thought things would quiet down, and everyone would pipe up during the songs. DAMN! I was wrong, YET AGAIN. Throughout the opening credits, instead of the ECU of the mouth, we were presented with the scantily clad young woman from the ode to a stripper. She had a chair now, and started to strip. (Let’s just say that Jessie Spanno could teach her a thing or 80. She could at least buy the Carmen Elektra video…) We thought that she clearly can’t strip because of the several minors present, well, she didn’t get naked thanks to cleverly placed X’s made out of electrical tape. It was SO UNSEXY. The best part of the night might have been MFB saying something like, “I wonder if I was straight if I’d be attracted to that.” (He wouldn’t; she was gross.)
(I should take this opportunity to say that I have only seen the R.H.P.S. on Comedy Central, and Bex and MFB had never seen it.)
The action of the movie started, but we couldn’t see Susan Sarandon and the guy from Spin City because there was a homemade spotlight shining on people dressed up in vaguely similar costumes and walking around mouthing the words. And every few seconds people from all over the theater would shout not-quite-unison-so-therefore-completely-unintelligible-phrases at the screen. There was no singing along with the songs, except for shouting “Brad” and “Janet”. The rest were things they made up as if they were huge fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 but never got any of the jokes Crow and the gang made from lack of intelligence. We left after Tim Curry’s second number knowing that this is not the way he would want the film to be viewed. A sing-a-long with costumes would be fun, but the Clinton Street gang is butchering that movie, and subsequently exponentially increasing their chances of never getting laid by hanging in that asocial scene.
Who: Molly, MFB, & Bex
Where: Clinton Street Theater, Portland, OR
When: Saturday night.
What: Midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"
Why: Molly thought it would be less awkward than a house party, at which she knew none of the people so felt like a tool playing flip cup with water. (Molly was WRONG!)
I was anticipating people being dressed up and singing along. What I was not anticipating was an hour of pre-movie puerile escapades of horny exhibitionists. When we entered the theater there was a young morbidly obese man, with a guitar and a scantily clad young woman next to him. He was singing an ode to strippers whilst the young woman danced next to him, doing the same 4 moves over and over again for the duration of the way-too-long song. There were a couple other songs with a lot of really bad stage banter, and then he exited the stage, but not before he announced that he was "someone's fetish." Finally, the movie, oh, no, wait, what’s that? It’s another guy getting up on stage. He has hair longer than all of the women in the theater, and you can tell that though he doesn’t maintain it, it is his pride and joy. He yells directly into a microphone, and yet mumbles at the same time.
He thinks he is charismatic and funny; he is wrong. He brings all of the people celebrating their birthday to the stage, 7 people, ranging in age from 15 to past legal, and he has them grab their ankles whilst a line of people, the not very cleverly called the “Mega-Ass Slap Train,” you guessed it, slapped their asses. We think this is strange, but surely the movie will start soon and everything will settle down. Unfortunately for us, the movie did not start quickly. Instead, we had to suffer through the emcee bringing dozens of people for which it was their first time there to the stage. (MFB, Bex, and I did not go up; not because we aren’t fun, but because we're not stupid.)
The poor schmucks on stage were put through a series of wildly inappropriate games, i.e., “Best Chest Contest”, (during which, one of the girls actually shed her top, just like she would in the very popular ‘Girls with Low Self-Esteem’ videos,) “The Pants-Off Dance-Off”, “Kama Sutra Combat” “Pin the Dick on the Douche-bag” and the “Fake an Orgasm game” (which, Chicken would have won had we had him with us). What was most disturbing was the emcee’s several not-so-subtle allusions to pedophilia. He had all of the minors (and there were several) stand facing the back of the stage and grab their ankles. Then he wanted the audience to yell an expletive starting with “f” at them, which of course they did, and then the emcee said, "now you can go home and say you were [effed] in the ass by the entire audience." SO EFFED UP!
I’ve always felt that there is a certain segment of society that needs to remain asexual. I don’t care whether or not these people have sex, I just can’t think of them as sexual beings because I get grossed out. All of the people in charge of this show were people who probably have never even had sex, (certainly not without slipping their date a Forget-Me-Now) but who were absolutely obsessed with it.
At around 1 a.m. they finally started the movie, I thought things would quiet down, and everyone would pipe up during the songs. DAMN! I was wrong, YET AGAIN. Throughout the opening credits, instead of the ECU of the mouth, we were presented with the scantily clad young woman from the ode to a stripper. She had a chair now, and started to strip. (Let’s just say that Jessie Spanno could teach her a thing or 80. She could at least buy the Carmen Elektra video…) We thought that she clearly can’t strip because of the several minors present, well, she didn’t get naked thanks to cleverly placed X’s made out of electrical tape. It was SO UNSEXY. The best part of the night might have been MFB saying something like, “I wonder if I was straight if I’d be attracted to that.” (He wouldn’t; she was gross.)
(I should take this opportunity to say that I have only seen the R.H.P.S. on Comedy Central, and Bex and MFB had never seen it.)
The action of the movie started, but we couldn’t see Susan Sarandon and the guy from Spin City because there was a homemade spotlight shining on people dressed up in vaguely similar costumes and walking around mouthing the words. And every few seconds people from all over the theater would shout not-quite-unison-so-therefore-completely-unintelligible-phrases at the screen. There was no singing along with the songs, except for shouting “Brad” and “Janet”. The rest were things they made up as if they were huge fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 but never got any of the jokes Crow and the gang made from lack of intelligence. We left after Tim Curry’s second number knowing that this is not the way he would want the film to be viewed. A sing-a-long with costumes would be fun, but the Clinton Street gang is butchering that movie, and subsequently exponentially increasing their chances of never getting laid by hanging in that asocial scene.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Father's Day
I went to the store about a week before father's day to get my dad a card. I couldn't find any that I thought were funny or not cheesy, so didn't make a purchase. "No big deal," I thought, except that I forgot to get a card before father's day and remembered while picking up my brother to go to the celebration. After debating whether or not we should bother (the last time we bothered, we ended up buying my dad a "Participation Award" ribbon) I decided that my mom, in her legion of greeting cards on hand, at least had a blank card we could fill out.
My mother actually had a father's day card, I think it was from 1985 when my grandfather died and she didn't get to send it, or maybe purchased much earlier so as to be prepared. Whatever the case, the card set her back $.50.
The hiccup in this serendipitous event was that the card was father-daughter, not just father-child, so, this is what we did:
We were not going for aesthetically pleasing, or even quality. The card got a lot of laughs, but my guess is that my dad was just glad to not get another participation award.
My mother actually had a father's day card, I think it was from 1985 when my grandfather died and she didn't get to send it, or maybe purchased much earlier so as to be prepared. Whatever the case, the card set her back $.50.
The hiccup in this serendipitous event was that the card was father-daughter, not just father-child, so, this is what we did:
We were not going for aesthetically pleasing, or even quality. The card got a lot of laughs, but my guess is that my dad was just glad to not get another participation award.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Yo! Gabba Gabba.
The Genius of Nick Jr.'s Yo Gabba Gabba:
The Players:
DJ Lance Rock - token human
Muno - he's tall and friendly
Foofa - she's pink and happy
Brobee - the little green one
Toodee - she likes to have fun
Plex - the magic robot
Gooble - unhappy bit character
DJ Lance Rock: Being nice is so nice. Being nice is how we show people we love them. We should be nice to everyone.
crying is heard off screen
DJ Lance Rock: It sounds like someone is sad.
Toodee, Plex, Muno, Brobee, & Foofa are playing and having fun, when Gooble comes over crying.
Toodee: Gooble! Go cry somewhere else!
Plex: Toodie, you should be nice to Gooble. He is sad.
Toodee: But he always cries.
Plex: Gooble is sad most of the time, but we should still be nice to him.
Plex sings: Be nice to everyone, and they will be nice to you. Be nice to Gooble and you will have a friend.
As the song continues we learn that we should not only be nice to depressive Gooble, but to bugs and animals as well.
Yo Gabba Gabba is also good because of things like this:
Free Design cover
and for inspiring things like this:
High Five!
The Players:
DJ Lance Rock - token human
Muno - he's tall and friendly
Foofa - she's pink and happy
Brobee - the little green one
Toodee - she likes to have fun
Plex - the magic robot
Gooble - unhappy bit character
DJ Lance Rock: Being nice is so nice. Being nice is how we show people we love them. We should be nice to everyone.
crying is heard off screen
DJ Lance Rock: It sounds like someone is sad.
Toodee, Plex, Muno, Brobee, & Foofa are playing and having fun, when Gooble comes over crying.
Toodee: Gooble! Go cry somewhere else!
Plex: Toodie, you should be nice to Gooble. He is sad.
Toodee: But he always cries.
Plex: Gooble is sad most of the time, but we should still be nice to him.
Plex sings: Be nice to everyone, and they will be nice to you. Be nice to Gooble and you will have a friend.
As the song continues we learn that we should not only be nice to depressive Gooble, but to bugs and animals as well.
Yo Gabba Gabba is also good because of things like this:
Free Design cover
and for inspiring things like this:
High Five!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Speaking of Drunk, or A Doodle For Becky.
I was on hold for a while today whilst pasting random things into my journal (i.e. picture of Jason Schwartzman & the ugly collage) and ended up doodling about flip cup. Betty Ford, here I come if I ever switch from water.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Molly is confused for ______________ on a regular basis.
1. being drunk
2. having three children
3. being younger than 17
4. being smart
5. being a bigger bitch than she is
2. having three children
3. being younger than 17
4. being smart
5. being a bigger bitch than she is
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
June 2, 1997: EXTREME Loathing.
Actual Journal Entry: Episode 3
Names have not been changed, because the owners of said names will never read this.
So, the other day the stake had a youth activity at the beach. It was pretty fun. Pretty uneventful as far as what Alana and I had planned. Oh well.
The worst part was I had to ride back with Becca's sister, Beth who just got home from a mission. We'd never met before, and instead of talking in the back with Brittany and Kalee, I was stuck in front, not really talking, not really doing anything except riding, while Beth listened to "More Than Words" on repeat the whole trip back from the beach. THE WHOLE TRIP. ONE SONG FOR THE WHOLE TRIP! Who does that? I used to like hearing the guitarist's fingers scrape against the strings changing chords in that song, but oh my gosh, if I ever hear that song again I will probable go into cardiac arrest. An hour and a half of Extreme, (and it certainly was!). Sure, I get that she didn't get to listen to fun music on her mission, but oh my gosh, listening to the same song over and over again, especially in front of innocent bystanders is just cruel. Especially "More Than Words". Who does that?
Image stolen from: www.heavyharmonies.com
Sunday, May 18, 2008
The Untitled Office Spin-Off.
Whilst looking at the fall line up I was reminded of the murmuring of an untitled office spin off. Now after seeing the Season Finale, here are 5 guesses:
1. The show will star Ryan, in Prison for fraud, and it will be called "The Yard". Ricky Gervais will be his awkward cell mate, and the man with the escape plan that never really pans out. It's going to be more "My Name is Earl" in prison, than "Oz" but, overall, totally unwatchable. BJ is a producer on The Office, afterall. (But I have to agree with Oscar that the beard was the real crime.)
2. The show will star Toby, being an HR person somewhere in Puerto Rico, or wherever he moved. It will be canceled after 2 episodes because it will also be totally unwatchable.
3. The show will focus around Jan and her adventures in being a crazy woman and new mom (zany things like her trying to breastfeed after her boob job). This won't air, because it won't even get funding to make a pilot.
4. The show will have the exact same character types, but take place in an office in Seattle. Or Slough, Berkshire.
5. The show will be Pam running around becoming a graphic designer, realizing that she has the potential to be so much more than a receptionist at Dunder-Mifflin. It will be eerily similar to when Rhoda left the Mary Tyler Moore show to have four seasons of "Rhoda". We care about Pam enough to watch her show, sure, but a new show means that either John Krasinski will be doing double duty for the duration of what I will call "The Pam Show" or, she will find a new love interest, (Toby?) (a third option could be pulling a Darrin Stevens on us, but that'd be completely uncool). If Jim and Pam don't get together then, well, screw you guys. But, can I please remind you that "Rhoda" was never a great show (Valerie Harper, I love you) and MTM wasn't ever as good without Rhoda. i.e. don't mess with a good thing NBC.
1. The show will star Ryan, in Prison for fraud, and it will be called "The Yard". Ricky Gervais will be his awkward cell mate, and the man with the escape plan that never really pans out. It's going to be more "My Name is Earl" in prison, than "Oz" but, overall, totally unwatchable. BJ is a producer on The Office, afterall. (But I have to agree with Oscar that the beard was the real crime.)
2. The show will star Toby, being an HR person somewhere in Puerto Rico, or wherever he moved. It will be canceled after 2 episodes because it will also be totally unwatchable.
3. The show will focus around Jan and her adventures in being a crazy woman and new mom (zany things like her trying to breastfeed after her boob job). This won't air, because it won't even get funding to make a pilot.
4. The show will have the exact same character types, but take place in an office in Seattle. Or Slough, Berkshire.
5. The show will be Pam running around becoming a graphic designer, realizing that she has the potential to be so much more than a receptionist at Dunder-Mifflin. It will be eerily similar to when Rhoda left the Mary Tyler Moore show to have four seasons of "Rhoda". We care about Pam enough to watch her show, sure, but a new show means that either John Krasinski will be doing double duty for the duration of what I will call "The Pam Show" or, she will find a new love interest, (Toby?) (a third option could be pulling a Darrin Stevens on us, but that'd be completely uncool). If Jim and Pam don't get together then, well, screw you guys. But, can I please remind you that "Rhoda" was never a great show (Valerie Harper, I love you) and MTM wasn't ever as good without Rhoda. i.e. don't mess with a good thing NBC.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
My boyfriend, the homeless guy.
Last night whilst looking for a parking space my friends and I passed a group of buskers on the street. Oh my gosh, one was so attractive. I then said something that surprised me: "That homeless guy in the overalls and the fedora with the flower is so cute." Shara then informed me that he was probably not homeless (apparently I judge people wearing overalls off of a farm - among other groups of people - overall, not a good idea.) something about how homeless people don't have amps. The subject was dropped until we were going to pass the men again on our sojourn for parking. Ryan brought up the fact that I (and I'm using a euphemism here) was going to get excited as we passed the musicians again.
"The one with the flower?"
"Yes."
"You're into the brothers?"
"Um, who isn't?"
"Is it just because of the stereotype?"
"I'm going to pretend that I don't know what you're talking about."
Seriously, busker man outside of Powells last night, you are a handsome man, even in your overalls. If you have a phone, or a job, please call.
"The one with the flower?"
"Yes."
"You're into the brothers?"
"Um, who isn't?"
"Is it just because of the stereotype?"
"I'm going to pretend that I don't know what you're talking about."
Seriously, busker man outside of Powells last night, you are a handsome man, even in your overalls. If you have a phone, or a job, please call.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Undated, Spring 2000: The Hickey
Actual Journal Entry: Episode 2
(Again, names have been cleverly changed so as to not piss anyone off.)
The funniest thing happened in Pitzer’s class today. SG showed up with a hickey. I know what you’re thinking – this isn’t funny. But it is, because he got it from KS, eew! R pointed it out and we laughed about it a little too loudly before class, because we had a lot of attention on us. And then I said, “nice hickey” to S and he got all defensive and told me that it was from a vacuum. A VACUUM? HAHAHA! Oh my gosh who does that? 1. Like I’m going to believe that, and 2. Why would he say that? Does that seem like a less embarrassing alternative? Because, newsflash, IT’S NOT!
It still cracks me up that [his mom] told me that she hopes they don’t get married because they would have ugly children. OUCH! His mom said that. They are totally going to get married as soon has he gets home from his mission. I guess [his mom] can't win them all. I can’t believe I liked him for so long. What was I thinking?
***Picture is not of the people in the journal entry, just an image I found online, which seemed to fit pretty well. Also, as a follow up, they did get married and have since had at least one child.
(Again, names have been cleverly changed so as to not piss anyone off.)
The funniest thing happened in Pitzer’s class today. SG showed up with a hickey. I know what you’re thinking – this isn’t funny. But it is, because he got it from KS, eew! R pointed it out and we laughed about it a little too loudly before class, because we had a lot of attention on us. And then I said, “nice hickey” to S and he got all defensive and told me that it was from a vacuum. A VACUUM? HAHAHA! Oh my gosh who does that? 1. Like I’m going to believe that, and 2. Why would he say that? Does that seem like a less embarrassing alternative? Because, newsflash, IT’S NOT! It still cracks me up that [his mom] told me that she hopes they don’t get married because they would have ugly children. OUCH! His mom said that. They are totally going to get married as soon has he gets home from his mission. I guess [his mom] can't win them all. I can’t believe I liked him for so long. What was I thinking?
***Picture is not of the people in the journal entry, just an image I found online, which seemed to fit pretty well. Also, as a follow up, they did get married and have since had at least one child.
Fred Savage: The Dichotomy of the Human
After spending a semester with Suzanne Lundquist talking about binaries and opposition in literature and life, I've been pretty obsessed with the whole idea of multiplicity and duality within one person. And especially since I read an article in the December Vogue by fellow Mormon (and new hero) Kristin Stewart Ward on being a devout Mormon in New York High Society, and now it's really been on my mind. The idea that someone can exist in two opposing extremes harmoniously is a thrilling prospect; then I remembered Fred Savage.
Let's look at Mr. Savage's recent body of work. (I in no means wish to demean that video game movie, The Princess Bride or The Wonder Years - one of the best things to happen to TV - I simply want to talk about what he has chosen to do as an adult.) And I'll only focus on two for brevity's sake.
1. Oswald: a delightful cartoon for preschoolers where Mr. Savage is the voice of the title character, a blue octopus who wears a bowler that is much too small for his head. His friends are a straight-talking penguin and an impulsive daisy (named cleverly enough Daisy). He has a dog called Wienie who is drawn to resemble a hot dog (and bun) with legs. Each half hour is filled with two stories about being a good friend, being persistent, or learning to share. Mr. Savage frequently sings little ditties (and subsequently answered for me the question Joe Cocker posed each week when I watched The Wonder Years - no I didn't stand up and walk out on Fred Savage,) to reemphasize the theme or explain the situation. Overall, while I am not the target demographic, I can appreciate the simplicity and sweetness that Oswald has to offer.
2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mr. Savage has directed 5 episodes of this show, which is one of the most irreverent, and funny things that I have viewed on TV. He also directed, and appeared in, a promo for season 3, called Danny DeVito & The Contract, which is a bit scandy. This show focuses on 5 people who are ignorant, selfish, and sometimes malicious, and they discuss things which shouldn't be funny, like racism, cancer, death, etc., and it is always side-splitting. Suffice it to say, there is no moral message to be gleaned from this show, except for maybe, (and this is a stretch) don't be like them. (WATCH THIS SHOW!)
Two completely opposing venues of entertainment (and while I've never seen Daddy Day Camp, his directorial debut, I bet these are substantially better than said movie) and I bet Mr. Savage has no trouble reconciling the two. Fred Savage, unlike Kevin Arnold, married his real-life Winnie, and I always liked that. But in examining some of his career choices makes me like him even more. So, thanks Fred Savage. I now have even further evidence that I can do any and all sorts of things that I have planned for my life. Now, to actually do it...
A note to Mr. Savage: Please make more things like your episodes of IASIP and fewer movies like Daddy Day Camp, it will give you more street cred. Keep up the good work.
Let's look at Mr. Savage's recent body of work. (I in no means wish to demean that video game movie, The Princess Bride or The Wonder Years - one of the best things to happen to TV - I simply want to talk about what he has chosen to do as an adult.) And I'll only focus on two for brevity's sake.
1. Oswald: a delightful cartoon for preschoolers where Mr. Savage is the voice of the title character, a blue octopus who wears a bowler that is much too small for his head. His friends are a straight-talking penguin and an impulsive daisy (named cleverly enough Daisy). He has a dog called Wienie who is drawn to resemble a hot dog (and bun) with legs. Each half hour is filled with two stories about being a good friend, being persistent, or learning to share. Mr. Savage frequently sings little ditties (and subsequently answered for me the question Joe Cocker posed each week when I watched The Wonder Years - no I didn't stand up and walk out on Fred Savage,) to reemphasize the theme or explain the situation. Overall, while I am not the target demographic, I can appreciate the simplicity and sweetness that Oswald has to offer.
2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Mr. Savage has directed 5 episodes of this show, which is one of the most irreverent, and funny things that I have viewed on TV. He also directed, and appeared in, a promo for season 3, called Danny DeVito & The Contract, which is a bit scandy. This show focuses on 5 people who are ignorant, selfish, and sometimes malicious, and they discuss things which shouldn't be funny, like racism, cancer, death, etc., and it is always side-splitting. Suffice it to say, there is no moral message to be gleaned from this show, except for maybe, (and this is a stretch) don't be like them. (WATCH THIS SHOW!)
Two completely opposing venues of entertainment (and while I've never seen Daddy Day Camp, his directorial debut, I bet these are substantially better than said movie) and I bet Mr. Savage has no trouble reconciling the two. Fred Savage, unlike Kevin Arnold, married his real-life Winnie, and I always liked that. But in examining some of his career choices makes me like him even more. So, thanks Fred Savage. I now have even further evidence that I can do any and all sorts of things that I have planned for my life. Now, to actually do it...
A note to Mr. Savage: Please make more things like your episodes of IASIP and fewer movies like Daddy Day Camp, it will give you more street cred. Keep up the good work.
Friday, April 11, 2008
A Comprehensive List of Date Propositioners:
Gas Pump Jockeys: >7
Male Baristas (Baristos?): 3
Drunk Lesbians: 4
Friend of a friend via IM: 1
Whack Job Cop: 1
Non-Crazies: 0
Male Baristas (Baristos?): 3
Drunk Lesbians: 4
Friend of a friend via IM: 1
Whack Job Cop: 1
Non-Crazies: 0
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sex and the City: The Trailer.
Michael Patrick King, you have GOT to be joking.
Have you seen this trailer? I'm not talking about the delightful teaser trailer that left us hot and bothered. I am talking about the 2 minute 29 second long trailer that has been upsetting me since the moment it came into my consciousness. The first 14 seconds are superb. If you haven't seen the rest, don't watch it and stop reading.
Carrie narrates 45 seconds in, "but REAL LIFE, always has a twist." Um, Carrie, this is not real life, this is fiction. We do like twists in fiction, but not in advertisements. You told us too much!
When Charlotte starts reading the announcement of how Carrie and Big are going to get married...it starts a LONG downward spiral of spoilers, which I only pray are red herrings (like Communism). For instance, we know, (because we read the People article with the first pictures from the set months and months ago) that Charlotte isn't actually pregnant, but that it's a dream sequence...unless they were lying there too. OH DAMN THEM!
Why is Miranda making fun of Carrie and Big's on-off relationship when she and Steve broke up just as many times? Why would they show us Big jilting Carrie? Why would the ruin this for us? And, why would they put India.Arie's version of "The Heart of the Matter" under all of this? "I think it's about forgiveness, even if...you don't love me anymore?" Who doesn't like a little Don Henley, and India is a talented lady, but OH NO THEY DIDN'T!
But I think the thing that is most vexing, is that they insinuate that Steve cheats on Miranda: "It didn't mean anything, it just happened once." Steve can't cheat on Miranda. Steve was THE GOOD GUY throughout the whole series. The devoted, loving, yin to her yang (and yes, I know that yin is feminine and yang is masculine.) My romantic optimism weighs in the balance.
So maybe this is real and they've spoiled the whole movie for the millions of women and gay men who will go out in droves to see it opening weekend, or maybe, if we're lucky, they shot fake trailer material - think Lindsay Lohan & James Franco's fake trailer in The Holiday. But then again, don't because that trailer was awful and that movie was AWFUL, very unlike our SATC:TM, right MPK & SJP?
By the way, their clothes in the trailer are FABULOUS.
Have you seen this trailer? I'm not talking about the delightful teaser trailer that left us hot and bothered. I am talking about the 2 minute 29 second long trailer that has been upsetting me since the moment it came into my consciousness. The first 14 seconds are superb. If you haven't seen the rest, don't watch it and stop reading.
Carrie narrates 45 seconds in, "but REAL LIFE, always has a twist." Um, Carrie, this is not real life, this is fiction. We do like twists in fiction, but not in advertisements. You told us too much!
When Charlotte starts reading the announcement of how Carrie and Big are going to get married...it starts a LONG downward spiral of spoilers, which I only pray are red herrings (like Communism). For instance, we know, (because we read the People article with the first pictures from the set months and months ago) that Charlotte isn't actually pregnant, but that it's a dream sequence...unless they were lying there too. OH DAMN THEM!
Why is Miranda making fun of Carrie and Big's on-off relationship when she and Steve broke up just as many times? Why would they show us Big jilting Carrie? Why would the ruin this for us? And, why would they put India.Arie's version of "The Heart of the Matter" under all of this? "I think it's about forgiveness, even if...you don't love me anymore?" Who doesn't like a little Don Henley, and India is a talented lady, but OH NO THEY DIDN'T!
But I think the thing that is most vexing, is that they insinuate that Steve cheats on Miranda: "It didn't mean anything, it just happened once." Steve can't cheat on Miranda. Steve was THE GOOD GUY throughout the whole series. The devoted, loving, yin to her yang (and yes, I know that yin is feminine and yang is masculine.) My romantic optimism weighs in the balance.
So maybe this is real and they've spoiled the whole movie for the millions of women and gay men who will go out in droves to see it opening weekend, or maybe, if we're lucky, they shot fake trailer material - think Lindsay Lohan & James Franco's fake trailer in The Holiday. But then again, don't because that trailer was awful and that movie was AWFUL, very unlike our SATC:TM, right MPK & SJP?
By the way, their clothes in the trailer are FABULOUS.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Violation 803.560: A Love Story
My old friend Lindsey was sitting in a lecture hall at BYU when an attractive young male came to sit next to her. They started chatting, getting their flirt on, until he said something that she didn't hear clearly. So, like many girls do when they are flirting, she giggled, until she did the quick rewind in her mind and realized he had asked her name. He asked her name and she laughed at him. Suffice it to say, she was mortified and was not quite sure how to recover from this party foul. He never sat by her again.
The registration on my car has been expired for a little while, which is not a smart or responsible thing for me to do, and I understand that. On a rainy Thursday night I got pulled over by a sheriff in my town, who was very kind, gave me a ticket, but also gave me a way to get out of the ticket by getting it fixed and then having my vehicle inspected at the station before my court date. I deserved this ticket, and to rectify the situation I scheduled a time the next Tuesday to renew my registration.
The following Monday, whilst I was driving home from my optometrist's office, eyes dilated, with new too-strong contacts that were giving me an even worse headache than the one achieved from dilation, I saw lights in my rearview. I pulled over, and reached for the ticket secured in the mirror of my visor, to prove that I have already been informed of this situation. I thought that since the DEQ hadn't been open since I received the initial ticket, I surely won't get ANOTHER ticket for this. I wasn't breaking any other law.
The following is the interaction between Officer Tom H. and myself -
Officer Tom: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes, my tags are expired. I got a ticket a few days ago for the same thing and haven't had a chance to get to the DEQ.
O.T.: Who gave you this ticket?
Me: I don't know, his name is on there.
O.T.: Oh, he's a sheriff. Can I see your license and registration please?
Me: Really, I made arrangements to get off of work early tomorrow to go to the DMV & DEQ.
O.T.: Just do as you're told.
Me: Um, sorry.
O.T.: You look better with Blonde hair.
Me: Excuse me?
O.T.: In your license picture you have brown hair, you look better with blonde.
Me: Can I have that back please?
O.T.: No, I'm going to need it for a few minutes. Just hang tight.
EIGHT MINUTES LATER
O.T. hands me a ticket.
Me: you're giving me a ticket when I got one 4 days ago, and the DEQ hasn't even been open for 3 of them?
O.T.: Your eyes are dilated. Are you high?
Me: What? No. I just came from my eye doctor.
O.T.: You were messing with your visor earlier - you hiding anything?
Me: That's where this other ticket was.
O.T.: Do you want me to search your car?
Me: There aren't any drugs in my car. I don't do drugs.
O.T.: Good, I hate girls that do drugs.
Me: What?!
O.T.: So I'm really glad that your tags are expired and your headlight is out, so I had a reason to pull you over.
Me: My headlight isn't out.
O.T.: It is on your ticket.
Me: You have got to be joking. Is this some kind of reality tv show? Do you have some sort of quota you have to fill? Why are you SO uncool?
O.T.: There's no quota. If you want to contest the ticket there are directions on the back. You're lucky I don't tow you right now. (no pause at all) Listen, can I get your number - maybe we can go out some time?
Me: No, are we done here?
He sauntered back to his car and left, just as delusional and ego-centric as when he pulled me over.
TWO WEEKS LATER - My Court "Date"
I showed up at the courthouse a few minutes early to beat the crowd and ended up being one of the first people to see the judge. The judge was really cool, when I explained what had happened and showed him the other ticket and the receipt from the DMV/DEQ the ticket was dismissed. No blip on my record, no fee, just a memory that I would write a blog entry about. I thanked the judge and left for work. As I was walking out the door, I heard, "Hey, Molly!". I turned around and didn't recognize anyone, so started to head back out the door, when all of a sudden, standing right in front of me was Officer Tom H.
O.T.: I figured you'd be here.
Me: Well, you give me an unfair ticket, I'll contest it.
O.T.: Did the judge lessen the fine?
Me: No, he dismissed it all together.
O.T.: hmm. So, you want to go grab some coffee or something?
I started laughing. Not in the "Lindsey flirting" kind of way, but my obnoxiously loud, boisterous laughter that filled the halls of courthouse and drew attention from the nearby line of people. I walked out the door, not turning back, continuing to laugh because, unlike Lindsey, I heard exactly what he said.
The registration on my car has been expired for a little while, which is not a smart or responsible thing for me to do, and I understand that. On a rainy Thursday night I got pulled over by a sheriff in my town, who was very kind, gave me a ticket, but also gave me a way to get out of the ticket by getting it fixed and then having my vehicle inspected at the station before my court date. I deserved this ticket, and to rectify the situation I scheduled a time the next Tuesday to renew my registration.
The following Monday, whilst I was driving home from my optometrist's office, eyes dilated, with new too-strong contacts that were giving me an even worse headache than the one achieved from dilation, I saw lights in my rearview. I pulled over, and reached for the ticket secured in the mirror of my visor, to prove that I have already been informed of this situation. I thought that since the DEQ hadn't been open since I received the initial ticket, I surely won't get ANOTHER ticket for this. I wasn't breaking any other law.
The following is the interaction between Officer Tom H. and myself -
Officer Tom: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes, my tags are expired. I got a ticket a few days ago for the same thing and haven't had a chance to get to the DEQ.
O.T.: Who gave you this ticket?
Me: I don't know, his name is on there.
O.T.: Oh, he's a sheriff. Can I see your license and registration please?
Me: Really, I made arrangements to get off of work early tomorrow to go to the DMV & DEQ.
O.T.: Just do as you're told.
Me: Um, sorry.
O.T.: You look better with Blonde hair.
Me: Excuse me?
O.T.: In your license picture you have brown hair, you look better with blonde.
Me: Can I have that back please?
O.T.: No, I'm going to need it for a few minutes. Just hang tight.
EIGHT MINUTES LATER
O.T. hands me a ticket.
Me: you're giving me a ticket when I got one 4 days ago, and the DEQ hasn't even been open for 3 of them?
O.T.: Your eyes are dilated. Are you high?
Me: What? No. I just came from my eye doctor.
O.T.: You were messing with your visor earlier - you hiding anything?
Me: That's where this other ticket was.
O.T.: Do you want me to search your car?
Me: There aren't any drugs in my car. I don't do drugs.
O.T.: Good, I hate girls that do drugs.
Me: What?!
O.T.: So I'm really glad that your tags are expired and your headlight is out, so I had a reason to pull you over.
Me: My headlight isn't out.
O.T.: It is on your ticket.
Me: You have got to be joking. Is this some kind of reality tv show? Do you have some sort of quota you have to fill? Why are you SO uncool?
O.T.: There's no quota. If you want to contest the ticket there are directions on the back. You're lucky I don't tow you right now. (no pause at all) Listen, can I get your number - maybe we can go out some time?
Me: No, are we done here?
He sauntered back to his car and left, just as delusional and ego-centric as when he pulled me over.
TWO WEEKS LATER - My Court "Date"
I showed up at the courthouse a few minutes early to beat the crowd and ended up being one of the first people to see the judge. The judge was really cool, when I explained what had happened and showed him the other ticket and the receipt from the DMV/DEQ the ticket was dismissed. No blip on my record, no fee, just a memory that I would write a blog entry about. I thanked the judge and left for work. As I was walking out the door, I heard, "Hey, Molly!". I turned around and didn't recognize anyone, so started to head back out the door, when all of a sudden, standing right in front of me was Officer Tom H.
O.T.: I figured you'd be here.
Me: Well, you give me an unfair ticket, I'll contest it.
O.T.: Did the judge lessen the fine?
Me: No, he dismissed it all together.
O.T.: hmm. So, you want to go grab some coffee or something?
I started laughing. Not in the "Lindsey flirting" kind of way, but my obnoxiously loud, boisterous laughter that filled the halls of courthouse and drew attention from the nearby line of people. I walked out the door, not turning back, continuing to laugh because, unlike Lindsey, I heard exactly what he said.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
April 3, 1995: The Lice Check
Actual Journal Entry: Episode 1
(Names have been cleverly altered so as to not piss anyone off.)
So, earlier this morning Mr. S got on the intercom and announced that they would be doing lice checks today due to an “outbreak”. Who knew that three dirty seventh graders is all it takes to make up an outbreak – that’s the story anyway.
I should be doing my math homework, but its "free time" and Mrs. M is in the corner doing some yoga stretches – her daily ritual to break up the excruciatingly long afternoon before we break apart for math and electives. What a hippie. And this morning we were talking about civil rights and all of a sudden she pulled out her rain stick. I do not see how that fits at all, but whatever.
So, Ms. S and Mr. S are in our class checking out heads, what is up with that? I mean, there’s gotta only be one kid in this class who could ever have lice. DK. Oh, he smells so bad, poor kid. Or maybe EM. We broke up, by the way. I’m not even sure why I’m writing that down, because it’s not like we ever even went out. He’s so gross. C totally talked me into going out with him to get back at me for talking her into going out with AM. He is so much cooler that E, sure he keeps a stuffed moose on his desk, but--well, I guess he keeps a stuffed moose on his desk. But he’s a nice kid.
Ok, so D or E are the only two possibilities. Oh, maybe IF, he does still sport a rat tail after all. The other day I walked up behind him with a pair of scissors and I put it really close to the back of his head and closed the scissors really slowly. He freaked! It was so funny. I should have really done it and done him a major favor. Rat tails are so five years ago. But I really don’t think he has lice.
Ms. S checked my head and talked to me all buddy buddy, like we were friends or something just because I get a tardy slip from her every day. It was so embarrassing. I’m sure people were wondering how the old secretary and I are all pally.
Shocking! I didn’t have lice.
Oh, the funniest part was when Mr. S got all upset and started telling us to just wash our hair with bar soap and to not use any product. It went something like, “you kids today, you mess up your hair so much. Just take a bar of soap and wash your hair. You don’t need anything else. Your hair should feel squeaky clean. That’s a good thing.” I tried to not laugh too loudly, but come on, like I am really going to have split ends. He’s so ridiculous – hair was not meant to be squeaky.
Oh, math is in 20 minutes, so I’d better go do the assignment, Mrs. R already hates me enough.
(Names have been cleverly altered so as to not piss anyone off.)
So, earlier this morning Mr. S got on the intercom and announced that they would be doing lice checks today due to an “outbreak”. Who knew that three dirty seventh graders is all it takes to make up an outbreak – that’s the story anyway.
I should be doing my math homework, but its "free time" and Mrs. M is in the corner doing some yoga stretches – her daily ritual to break up the excruciatingly long afternoon before we break apart for math and electives. What a hippie. And this morning we were talking about civil rights and all of a sudden she pulled out her rain stick. I do not see how that fits at all, but whatever.
So, Ms. S and Mr. S are in our class checking out heads, what is up with that? I mean, there’s gotta only be one kid in this class who could ever have lice. DK. Oh, he smells so bad, poor kid. Or maybe EM. We broke up, by the way. I’m not even sure why I’m writing that down, because it’s not like we ever even went out. He’s so gross. C totally talked me into going out with him to get back at me for talking her into going out with AM. He is so much cooler that E, sure he keeps a stuffed moose on his desk, but--well, I guess he keeps a stuffed moose on his desk. But he’s a nice kid.
Ok, so D or E are the only two possibilities. Oh, maybe IF, he does still sport a rat tail after all. The other day I walked up behind him with a pair of scissors and I put it really close to the back of his head and closed the scissors really slowly. He freaked! It was so funny. I should have really done it and done him a major favor. Rat tails are so five years ago. But I really don’t think he has lice.
Ms. S checked my head and talked to me all buddy buddy, like we were friends or something just because I get a tardy slip from her every day. It was so embarrassing. I’m sure people were wondering how the old secretary and I are all pally.
Shocking! I didn’t have lice.
Oh, the funniest part was when Mr. S got all upset and started telling us to just wash our hair with bar soap and to not use any product. It went something like, “you kids today, you mess up your hair so much. Just take a bar of soap and wash your hair. You don’t need anything else. Your hair should feel squeaky clean. That’s a good thing.” I tried to not laugh too loudly, but come on, like I am really going to have split ends. He’s so ridiculous – hair was not meant to be squeaky.
Oh, math is in 20 minutes, so I’d better go do the assignment, Mrs. R already hates me enough.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Clean Flix; Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Hypocrisy.
I've always felt like Clean Flix was the worst thing to happen to movies since, well, ever. If you don't want to watch films with questionable content, DON'T. Why should I relinquish responsibility and let someone else decide what is appropriate for me? I should not and I never will. But, bias aside, oh no he didn't.
Operator of "Clean Flix" Store Arrested for Statutory Rape
The operator of the Utah-based Flix Club, which, as part of the Clean Flix chain, drew fire from major studios for removing scenes depicting sex and violence from home videos, has been arrested in Orem, Utah on charges of having sex with underaged girls. According to Orem police, Daniel Thompson also told the girls that his business was actually a cover for a pornography studio and asked them to participate in making a porn movie. The police report also said that they uncovered a "large quantity" of pornography at Thompson's business. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, Thompson told the arresting officers that he was unaware that the girls were not of legal age and that the porn movies were for his "personal use." Thompson previously operated the Clean Flix franchise in Orem but shut it down last month after giving away 400 sanitized versions of Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. The studios, he said at the time, had told him that "if I don't shut down, they would break me."
Article is copyrighted by Studio Briefing and can be found at http://www.imdb.com/news/sb/2008-01-30/
Operator of "Clean Flix" Store Arrested for Statutory Rape
The operator of the Utah-based Flix Club, which, as part of the Clean Flix chain, drew fire from major studios for removing scenes depicting sex and violence from home videos, has been arrested in Orem, Utah on charges of having sex with underaged girls. According to Orem police, Daniel Thompson also told the girls that his business was actually a cover for a pornography studio and asked them to participate in making a porn movie. The police report also said that they uncovered a "large quantity" of pornography at Thompson's business. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, Thompson told the arresting officers that he was unaware that the girls were not of legal age and that the porn movies were for his "personal use." Thompson previously operated the Clean Flix franchise in Orem but shut it down last month after giving away 400 sanitized versions of Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. The studios, he said at the time, had told him that "if I don't shut down, they would break me."
Article is copyrighted by Studio Briefing and can be found at http://www.imdb.com/news/sb/2008-01-30/
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