Astrophil & Stella

I had initially gone to my bookcase to pick up my old copy of "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" to reread it for a book club I've reluctantly agreed to join, but when I saw my copy of Sir Philip Sidney's Astrophil & Stella, I had to pick it up instead. Oh how I love, love, love this series of sonnets and songs. Sometimes you just have to sit down and read about unrequited and downright heartbreaking love. Or lust -- that's there too.

My favorites are :

II
 Not at first sight, nor with a dibbed shot,
   Love gave the wound, which, while I breathe will bleed;
   But known worth did in mine of time proceed,
Till by degrees it had full conquest got.
I saw, and liked; I liked, but loved not;
   I loved, but straight did not what Love decreed:
   At length to Love's decrees I forced agreed,
Yet with repining at so partial lot.
   Now even that footstep of lost liberty
Is gone; and now, like salve-born Muscovite,
I call it praise to suffer tyranny;
And now employ the remnant of my wit
   To make myself believe that all is well,
   While with a feeling skill I paint my hell.

XIV
Alas, have I not pain enough, my friend,
   Upon whose breast a fiercer gripe doth tire,
   Than did on him who first stale down the fire,
While Love on me doth all his quiver spend,
But with your rhubarb words you must contend
   To grieve me worse, in saying that desire
   Doth plunge my well-formed soul even in the mire
Of sinful thoughts, which do in ruin end?
   If that be sin, which doth the manners frame,
Well stayed with truth in word, and faith of deed,
Ready of wit, and fearing nought but shame:
If that be sin, which in fixed hearts doth breed
   A loathing of all loose unchastity:
   Then love is sin, and let me sinful be.

LIV
Because I breathe not love to every one,
   Nor do not use set colours for to wear,
   Nor nourish special locks of vowed hair,
Nor give each speech a full point of groan,
The courtly nymphs, acquainted with the moan,
   Of them, who in their lips love's standard bear:
   'What, he?' say they of me, 'now I dare swear,
He cannot love; no no, let him alone.'
   And think so still, so Stella know my mind.
Profess indeed I do not Cupid's art;
But you fair maids, at length this true shall find,
That his right badge is but worn in the heart;
   Dumb swans, not chattering pies, do lovers prove;
   They love indeed, who quake to say they love.

Happy Valentine's Day from your friends on Craigslist.

One of my favorite things to do online is troll Craigslist. Voyeurism -  it is such guilty pleasure. Some people watch Reality TV, but ever since the first time I discovered these ads, I occasionally read these personals to see what kooky things people will come up with next--and it is a hoot. And what better day to check up than Valentine's? (Especially when I spent the evening with my brother and a friend at a PubQuiz.)

Here are the guys I responded to*:
keepin it real: 

My favorite part of his ad, aside from typos of course, was the super awesome lighting scheme in the living room! Nothing says style quite like black leather couches with under car lights. He knows what he likes and he embraces it. That's great!

Would like to meat someone fun:

I really like that this guy is honest and upfront about his needs and desires. That's really attractive.

I have to say I was hoping that this next one would have been more like a how-to article instead of a question. Some of us have the exact same question, my friend.

How to get sexual needs met when inhibited, socially awkward? - 46

I did not send this last guy a response, he's clearly too much of a downer for me. If you want to be bored with and pity humanity because they are pathetic, that's fine I guess, but really, that's your opener?

Needle in the hay stack - 40 (Portland)
...and what a hay stack it is. I'm Scottish and proud of it. I'm educated and do not suffer fools easily. I'm bored with humanity and can't wait for the "festivities" to begin once again. I'm always fine in every way. I don't need permission to live or to be. My rights are natural and I fear nothing but cowardice. I pity most of people because they are truly pathetic. Is there a woman on this Martyr's day who wants to meet a real man?



*Disclaimer: I didn't ACTUALLY respond to any of these fine people. I feel like I should be honest with you.

What what! B'town representin'!

I heard today that Beaverton, OR (my home town) was ranked the least romantic city in the country. PHEW! And I thought it was me.

Maybe it has something to do with how few Pizza Huts we have?

Pizza Hut, why must you be so cruel to me?*

There is literally** nothing I love more than the idea of an elaborate marriage proposal. Well, maybe an elaborate marriage proposal in public, that's better. Wait again, I think it needs to be an expensive, elaborate marriage proposal, public would be best, but just as long as it takes a huge chunk of money that could have been put to a more appropriate use*** I could rally. But I certainly don't agree with the recent Sunfiltered blog post about proposals going out of control. Not at all.

The bigger the better!

Similarly, I used to think that nothing said "awesome proposal!" quite like a JumboTron at a professional sports game, with thousands of eyes on you, and all of that peer pressure to say yes, lest you be the bitchy girl that broke that poor guy's heart. But, I have changed my tune. I'm sure by now you've all heard of the $10,010 engagement package the fine people at Pizza Hut are shelling out. Talk about the perfect way to be proposed to: a limo (who doesn't love being driven around in a really big, gas guzzling car?), a videographer and photographer, a not-at-all taste specific jewel the color of pizza sauce, FIREWORKS(!), and $10 worth of pizza. Before I knew this option was even a possibility, I would have been satisfied with any other mode of proposal, but not anymore. Now I do know it's a possibility, and will subsequently never be happy without fireworks or pizza.

Image totes stolen from http://www.pizzahut.com/proposal.html

But did you read the fine print****? Ay, there's the rub! Only ten packages are available?!? The package has to be purchased by the 14th, and used by the end of March?!? Pizza Hut, how am I going to find a guy in two days when I've been trying for 29 years unsuccessfully. Damn you, and your dangling of fairy tale dreams, that aren't at all the tackiest thing I've ever heard of, only to rip them away just because of the very minor fact that I don't have anyone willing to marry me, let alone spend $10,010 for a few hours' time.

Valentine's Day just surpassed Christmas as my least favorite/most depression inducing holiday. Thanks a lot, Pizza Hut.


*I wish there was a something I could do, similar to italics, to communicate sarcasm. Is there an emoticon for that?
**Literally, not figuratively or practically, LITERALLY!
***Like say, anything else...
****Also, only one package per person, so polygamists better luck with some other fast food chain. Maybe try Cupcake Gourmet - there's no fireworks, but an 8 carat diamond isn't too shabby.

The Non-Holiday Holiday Time Mix CD

So, again this year I gave many of you a little mix CD to accompany the oh-so-festive Bah Humbug cards. And many of the many of you have asked me for the track listing, and I've said, "Oh, I printed it on the back of the card." But, I had a conversation this week with my friend Tiffany who told me she liked "track 14." I told her I'd send her the track list. I should have used a bolder font. So in case you missed it and long ago recycled the card, here is the playlist:

If you click on it, it will be more readable.

The clips show blog post for Tom

Last week I got a text from my friend Tom which said, "Your blog has become a constant in my apt. and amongst my circle of friends and we have all requested more stories like "so last night at FHE." Me and several of my friends will randomly make a fist and do a punching motion in the air to remind us of the line 'full powered homoerotic fisting' which sends us into hysterics just so you know."

I was flabbergasted and of course totally flattered. And then I lied and told him I'd get right on it. Here's the thing, Tom, in order to come up with more posts in which I am scandalized and then trash people, (like the guy with the worst haircut ever,) I'd have to first be scandalized and then second write things I probably shouldn't about people with terrible hair, per se.

Let's pretend I was someone who was more often scandalized, or put in to places I could be scandalized in: then I would have far more anecdotes like the sacrament meeting molestation to share. And let's also pretend that I wasn't trying to be a nicer person, and wasn't at all concerned about receiving emails from people who don't like being made fun of: then I would unapologetically trash people as fast as my sitcom-trained mind would allow. But, as luck would have it, I don't seek out sketchy things, I am trying to be a nicer person, and like Wallace Shawn, I don't like confrontations and have thus tried to stop trashing people, at least with any detail in this public forum. So, until I decide to just stop caring and speak poorly about anyone who could potentially find this weblog, or become way more conservative or frequent super sketchy places, I'll probably not have anything like last night at FHE for Tom.

So, I will give you some links to go to posts from many, many moons ago in which I was either excessively cruel and gossipy or absolutely grossed out by other people's actions.

Scandalized Molly:

• The time my agnostic gay friend, my totally chill-go-with-the-flow friend, and I went to see a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. All three of us felt so uncomfortable we had to leave early, and not because of the movie. 
• The time my grandmother forced my father and I (at age 13) to listen to a romance novel on a road trip to a family reunion.

Cruel Molly:

• The time I compared a guy in a bar to the albino from the Princess Bride, and a guy in my ward to one of the monsters from Monsters, Inc.
• The time I talked about my brother and I giving our dad a "participation award" ribbon for his birthday.
• The time when I started this blog to put down a girl I've never met who found my initial insult of her on my old blog.
• The time I made fun of an old friend for lying about getting a hickey in my journal and then posted it on the interweb.

I hope these past posts can tide you over until I happen to spy something as disturbing as the fisting - other than the fact that tonight at FHE Dottie and the fister were totes getting their flirt on. I wanted to slow-motion scream "NOOOO!"

Have You Heard: Doctor's Orders

One of the like four questions Annie and I got wrong last week at the Sex and the City trivia night was about this song:



I think this song is hilarious, and I will now always remember this song. I will think of Charlotte drunk on the dance floor in Staten Island lip-syncing the words. Even more hilarious.

And just so you know, we did leave with a trophy. And some condoms. That's right, kids, Molly Mormon and her friend Annie, the good little Catholic girl won condoms at a Sex and the City trivia night.

Lest you think we watch this show all the time... I've only seen most of the episodes twice. In college my roommate Kristen got me hooked on the show, but being someone who is far more comfortable with randomness than myself, would rent the DVDs from blockbuster by what they had in stock, not by chronology. I hopped on her SATC train very late, and watched a couple of the seasons with her, thinking I had seen most of it. Years later, I was talking to my friend Becky about our common love of the show and she kept mentioning episodes I hadn't seen. She lent me her set of DVDs and I went through and watched what I previously hadn't seen. Then last year, I asked Bex to borrow them again so I could watch them in chronological order - but confession, I started in the middle of season two, because I really dislike season 1. To prepare for the trivia night I watched seasons one and two again. But narratives just stick in my brain. Books, movies, tv shows. My brain likes stories.

It wasn't a clear domination like it was on The Office and Mad Men. The physical challenge was to give the trivia jock our best Kim Cattrall come hither look, and while both of us couldn't even begin to do that, I earned us points by verbally propositioning her instead.  I quoted Samantha from the episode "The Drought." I won't go in to any more detail than that, but it was super funny.