Monday, January 16, 2012

so, tonight at FHE...

actually, how about some back story?

A while back as I sat in Sacrament meeting trying to focus, I got distracted by some commotion. Someone came in late and found a seat next to his friends. This wouldn't be shocking, disturbing, or noteworthy if what I'm about to relay didn't happen. (Those who are easily shocked or offended, please stop reading right now.) As one friend crawled over his buddy to get into the pew, (ugh, this is so gross) and his legs were apart, the seated friend took his fist (oh my gosh, why I am documenting this?) and jammed it up his friend's butt. Not a playful tap, no, it was a full-powered, homoerotic fisting. To say that I was scandalized would be fair. I had never before witnessed anything like that, let alone one at church, in the middle of Sacrament meeting no less. YIKES.  Unable to control myself, I let out an audible gasp, and immediately turned my attention back to the speaker. One of the bishopric members made eye contact with me and shot me a quizzical look like, "what just happened?" I just shook my head quickly and then tried my hardest to erase what I had witnessed from my brain. (I obviously succeeded.)

Tonight, in talking to a couple girls I adore and don't get enough time with, we started talking about who they had crushes on. One of the girls said she sort of had a crush on a guy, let's call him Leif. (Unlike most of the times I say that, Leif is not his name.) They were meeting later tonight to hang out. I asked her who Leif was. (I try my hardest to know who all of the girls are for my calling, but aside from a very select few, I don't really have any interest in any of the guys in my ward, platonic or otherwise, so I know like 20 guys' names.) She tried to describe Leif, and when we were talking about where in the chapel he sits every week, and she said the exact location where the sexual harassment took place, I knew it couldn't be one of those guys so I told them the story of what I witnessed. "No," I said, "the guy that did it has like the worst hair cut ever. Like Caesar bangs and way too short on the sides. He and his friends sit there every week and act all too cool for school. It can't be that guy." Our third friend was pretty convinced these guys were one and the same.  I would never guess that this charming, bubbly girl could like the crude, too cool for school, bad hair cut guy. To settle the debate, we went to the clerk's office to look at a photo directory. Sure enough, as soon as I came to Leif's picture, I knew it was the same guy. I then scoured the book trying to find the victim of the assault. He too was exactly who our third friend said it was.

So, I lied. I pointed out the victim, but never named who the assailant was. After I left, I shot the third friend a text, "Don't tell Dottie,*  but Leif WAS the perv." She then replied, "I totally knew he was! The minute you started talking about him I knew exactly who he was! Eek, we need to get her away from him!"

Should I tell Dottie that I lied and Leif is the creeper in question, or should I just mind my own business for once? I don't think she reads my blog...but in case she does, Hi, Dottie!

*Her name isn't really Dottie. But wouldn't it be crazy awesome to know that there was someone under 80 named Dottie?


Jasmine said...

I'm pretty sure I laughed quite uncontrollably at this post. The talk of gasping out loud during said act was what sent me off the wall! I wouldn't know what to do in your position, however, I'm pretty sure I would have told her. Whether or not it was the right thing to do. I. Am. Terrible!

Britt said...

For what it's worth, I can totally picture you shaking your head at the bishop.

How bothered was Dottie by the whole fisting convo? Maybe she has lots of brothers that do similarly inappropriate things? I dunno, no clue what to do.