Friday, November 8, 2013

caffeine and adultery

Caffeine and I have a very strained relationship--it amplifies my anxiety and keeps me up far too late, but I also like to use it sometimes as a stimulant. Today was a day that I would have very much appreciated some caffeine. With that mission in mind, I set out with Nancy and Juan Carlos at lunch. We decided to hit a drive thru for them and a Starbucks inside of an Albertson's for me.

As I walked in to the Albertson's, leaving my coworkers in the car to their Burgerville,  it became very apparent that the couple with exceedingly poor taste* meeting up near where I was walking were having an affair with one another. "That's disappointing,"** I thought, but then headed toward the Starbucks kiosk. I suppose, (perhaps due to my preference for an appropriate amount of personal space, specifically when strangers are concerned,) I wasn't standing close enough to the person who was placing their drink order to show that I was in fact in line, but this oblivious couple cut in front of me. This aggravated me immensely. I try very hard to not inconvenience or perturb people around me, and I expect others to do the same. (Case in point: I will wait until the next exit if I've been an idiot and not gotten in the correct lane on the freeway. This might surprise some as I can act like a total bitch, but at no point do I feel like me and my business are more important than anyone else's. These people apparently do not share my beliefs.***) I didn't make a fuss. What would be the point of that? True I was in a hurry, but I thought, "my drink requires like no work at'll be fine." Being behind them, I was forced to witness their awkward and very forced middle-aged PDA, which I must say was a real inconvenience.

It is true that my drink of choice at Starbucks takes about 20 seconds to prepare. But, despite the fact that this immoral, ugly haired woman only ordered regular no frills coffee, she hemmed and hawed over her pastry decision for probably 2 minutes. Finally, after much consultation, she decided on what vaguely resembled a cinnamon roll and asked for it to be heated up. With a great deal of sincere regret the barista informed her that in their kiosk they didn't have anything to heat up pastries with. Ugly hair was really upset. She then asked if there was a break room or somewhere that this barista could go to heat up her snack. I would be showing a great deal of restraint to say I was simply gobsmacked by this request. And when the barista complied I thought I would need smelling salts. The couple took a seat at a nearby table before picking up their drinks, so the barista poured the coffee, left the kiosk to drop off the coffee to the table before getting the cinnamon roll out of the case.

The barista looked at me apologetically and said in her best customer service voice, "I'll be right with you," and jogged off, cinnamon roll in hand. Suffice it to say, I opted to not wait and did not have any caffeine - which is probably for the best as it is currently almost 2 am and I am still wide awake.

The thing I found most shocking about this whole scenario - not to minimize my consternation at their flaunting of their affair, the fact that they had their tryst at least partly in a grocery store, their blatant line cutting, or the ridiculously self-centered request to heat up a cinnamon roll in an employee break room microwave for crying out loud- is that this couple did not tip this girl. I don't think the barista only decided to be nice because she thought she might get something out of it - as I hope that isn't the sole motivation for anyone to be nice...but seriously? When you are so difficult and ask for so many (some would say absolutely inappropriate) accommodations, you should at the very least be nice about it!****

*Not even taking into account their affair. She had 90s permed hair with a badly bleached two-toned color job: platinum blonde on the crown and a darker orangey grossness on the hair underneath to say nothing of the circa 2004 outfit. He wore camouflage and shorts, despite the very chilly and rainy weather, paired with pristine construction boots and tall wool socks.  

**Both the aesthetic choices made and their immoral behavior.

***In the importance of aesthetic choices, moral behavior or social interaction.

****If I was her stylist and she didn't tip me, I'd absolutely turn her hair the non-pretty/non-natural-ginger-orange that her hair is currently and then tell her how amazing it looked. "That color looks fabulous on you, especially paired with the tonally dissonant platinum on top! It really *ahem* flatters you. The only thing that could improve this would be a perm à la every tween and Suzanne Somers from 1992!"

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