Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Notes for Kyle, the Arrested D Trivia Jock:

I know you heard a lot from me last night about your “performance” but I would like to restate some of my concerns about the outcome of last night’s festivities for you now in the light of a new day, and since you’ve probably sobered up by now. (And, I promise to be a gracious loser just as soon as I get this rant out!)

1. When you steal Shanrock’s line about accepting bribes and sexual favors, you aren’t as funny as she is. In fact, when you say it, it's not at all funny, but mostly creepy and pathetic. And if you really want to be offered sexual favors, perhaps you shouldn’t be such a HORRIBLE trivia jock.

2. When you ask trivia questions, you should know the answers to them.

a. When you say “Which character was portrayed by two actresses” know that the answer is Ann, and not Marta (who was portrayed by 3 women.) And when the team, “Dr. Funke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution” and my team, “Neuterfest” (as an afterthought, we wanted to change our name to Girls With Low Self-Esteem…next time Adrianna, next time!) bring this up, don’t throw out the question because you’re a dummy even after you look it up on your iphone.

b. When you say fill in the 9 blanks below, and have 10 words missing out of the opening credits narration, stop drinking and focus on your counting!

c. When the answer is “…you old horny slut,” don’t drunkenly announce it as “…you horny old slut” multiple times, even after you told us we needed to be exact in the phrasing.

3. The fact that so many of us had really close scores is a sign that your questions were way too easy. (The people who left midway through the game were not true fans -- they were there for giggles, not for the competition.) It is not a sign that the last round should be something truly and completely unrelated to Arrested D, like filling in missing lyrics to Europe’s Final Countdown. You might just as well asked us about the band Arrested Development, or one of the songs by Motherboy. If you want to do Arrested Development trivia, perhaps you should have asked us the lyrics to “Teamocil,” “Big Yellow Joint,” “All You Need are Smiles,” “Get Along Little Sheep,” “Hot Cops” or even “Afternoon Delight,” whose lyrics were ACTUALLY USED IN AN EPISODE.

4. Julia Louis-Dreyfus' name is not Julia Louise Dreyfus.

5. Don’t take 3 minutes between each question. You copied Shanrock’s line, please also copy her timing, charisma and natural grace as a trivia jock.

6. Put down your drink, and focus on the task at hand.

7. Oh, and lose the hat with that shirt. They are competing patterns.

(So, we did not win. We tied with two other teams for third place. We missed one question that was arrested related, -the answer was underwear-- and that was the same question the winners Dr. Funke’s 100% Natural Good Time Family Band Solution missed too-- all of the other points we missed, and I suspect the people who tied with us, and came in second, missed the lyrics to the Final Countdown. [angry face]. I am so angry with Kyle’s questions, there is no way I’m going to skip my hip hop class again for the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia one he’s concocting.)

6 comments:

Adrianna said...

amen.

julianne rose said...

alas! so much potential. ruined.

beckie said...

and the thought of rubbin' you is getting so exciting.

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight.

Britt said...

awww i'm so sad it wasn't the awesomeness that we were all expecting. chin up, buddy.

lulu123 said...

doesn't he know what can happen when you drink too much at parties concerning the bluths? dead hookers. that's what happens.

molly said...

Um, the hooker isn't dead - she's with Gilligan in the tropics. My favorite GOBism is that he felt himself a failure for not being able to fake the death of a stripper.

Bluth parties involve Tobias stripping down to his cut offs, Buster tickling the ivories, and Michael wearing Franklin's wig.