Have You Heard: Sleeping at Last

 Utterly charming:



This is officially the first time I have heard this song and not wanted to punch someone in the esophagus, which I feel is quite a feat. Well done Ryan O'Neal*




*Not to be confused with this Ryan O'Neal

Off to be a hitman.

A few weeks ago, I met one of my literary heroes. David Sedaris came to Powell's to promote the paperback version of Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls and I was there, four hours early, to meet him. I had brought my computer to do some work and chatted with some friends who were potentially just as excited as I was as we waited for the good people of Powell's to even set up the chairs for the event. 

About two hours before the event was supposed to start, Mr. Sedaris showed up. When I saw him, I was so not cool--but not for a lack of trying. My excitement was uncontainable and I started tapping on my friends and jerking my head in his general direction to get them to notice and validate. I'm sure I looked like I was having a seizure. Mr. Sedaris started signing books and talking with the early birds who had all but filled up the rows and rows of chairs set up. (Who says I'm foolish for showing up early now?) Book in hand, and ticket to get said book signed, I was one of the first people in line.  In line I was trying to think about what I should say to him. In retrospect I should have thought to bring up his latest article in the New Yorker about his fitbit. I could have asked if he would be my friend on fitbit. (Then I could have yet another way of not measuring up to him--with his 60,000 steps a day. Sheesh!) I didn't think about that, and I doubt he would have been amenable to the idea anyway.

Instead of planning my own conversation topics, I was distracted by the young woman in front of me. She stepped up to his table and sat a piece of paper with a digital drawing of Mr. Sedaris on it in front of him. She told him how she had done this rendering on the computer when she was eight years old, and how it took hours and hours.* He was astounded and grateful. He went searching through his tote bag for some sort of reciprocation. It was decided that a pair of novelty socks purchased at a novelty sock store** here in Portland would be just right. He went on and on about how talented of an artist she was, how he went to art school and he couldn't do that. Things took a bit of an awkward turn when she asked him to sign the one copy of said image to someone else. She then took it back and went about her merry way. With new socks.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. WHO DOES THAT?!? You give David Sedaris a copy of the picture you "made" of him. If he wants to recycle it, great, but you give him a copy or you don't show it to him and have him sign it. For the next like five seconds before it was my turn I was trying to read Mr. Sedaris. Was he fine with how that played out? Was that just fodder for an amusing journal entry about a tacky girl in Portland who manipulated him out of novelty socks? Or was he as shocked as I was and would later mourn the loss of his socks.

It was my turn, and I went to say, "hello." He asked me what I do - which is always a sensitive subject when you hate what you do and have decided a change is absolutely necessary for sanity and survival.  Better to simplify: "I'm looking for work."
"You're working for work?"
"I'm looking for work."
"What do you want to do?"
"I went to school for screenwriting."
"Well do you have any skills?"
"Not really."***
"Well, I like to help people out and bring them with me, but you're not selling yourself very well."
"This is probably why I'm looking for work."
"Have you ever thought about being a hitwoman?"
"Believe it or not, I'd never considered it."

He drew a gun for me potentially to urge me on to this new career path. 

So, with the help of David Sedaris, I've decided that I either need to be an advocate for myself and actually do something I care to do, or I need to go to a shooting range. I bet I'd be a good shot.



*$500 says that's a lie. 2 minutes in photoshop max-two years ago max. 
**Because we have those here.
***Not the first lie he'd heard that day.

I'm a loser

I am thoroughly entertained by the 15/16 year olds I teach in Sunday School. They are a delightful bunch. We joke around and have fun, but still get the job done. Generally before class I like to see how life is going for each of them. When one of the girls said to another, "how far are you in Supernatural?" I had to editorialize and give a thumbs down along with a Bronx cheer. She then said, "you're such a loser," not in a jovial way, but in a woah-there's-a-lot-of-hostility-there-fangirl kind of way.

There are few things I enjoy more than when people jump straight to character assaults over disagreements. Especially concerning humanity buoying art like Supernatural.

She spent the rest of class being angry at me, and I spent the rest of class asking her questions and asking her to read passages. Here's hoping next week we can patch things up.

have you heard: Grouplove

Months ago Becky told me to read A Fault in Our Stars by John Green.  Had I known initially it was a young adult fiction about kids with cancer, I probably would have cast it off in to the same pile of unread saccharine and trite sentimentality as a Nicholas Sparks story. As it was, I started reading it before I knew anything about it except for that Bex thought I would like it. About 40 pages in and still all of the characters were teenagers I flipped the book over and read "Young Adult," I was like, "that makes sense," but the damage had been done. I devoured that book in one sitting, and then promptly in the same fashion devoured Looking for Alaska, and Paper Towns (although I think it took me two days to get through Paper Towns.) I am a fan of John Green.

Unfortunately, I am not a fan of Shailene Woodley.* So much so that I have yet to see the movie of A Fault in our Stars. I'm sure I will eventually despite the huge deterrent. I know that they are two separate entities, but she is just not Hazel Grace. Anyway about the time it came out, Spotify told me I would probably like the new Grouplove song from the soundtrack. I was skeptical, because I am pretentious and hate it when algorithms can predict so correctly what I will and won't like. **

Fact: I really like it. As in, I'm listening to it pretty much non-stop these days. So thanks Spotify.




*Courtney, Nancy and I were one day in stitches with her In to the Gloss interview from a few months back.

**Something I don't think I'll ever have to worry about with Netflix' algorithm. 

***Also when googling how to spell her name I discovered that James Franco, Dave Franco and Theo James are three separate individuals. I had no idea.

Go my favorite sports team, GO!

While watching yesterday's match against Portugal, I noticed this excited fan. I was thinking she must have gotten ready in front of a mirror a la Karen from Mean Girls. 

A letter to Johnny B.

One of my favorite humans ever is a 14 year old boy on the autism spectrum. Because of how his autism is manifest people really don't see his full potential. I was disheartened to learn the results of some recent testing at school that I feel is so far off base with this kid that I worry it will do more harm to his future than good, which was the aim. I'm pretty sure it has been and will continue to be a pattern in this child's life to be misjudged and underestimated, and that is a tragedy.  I worry about how our society perceives people on the spectrum, and I worry that this kid will become a victim of our prejudices. In our conversations over the length of our friendship, I've tried to buoy him up as well as prepare him that he will have to work hard--harder than someone without the different processing of autism, because the world as a whole doesn't understand it. We see it as a disorder, but we are doing a great disservice to kids if that is how they are seeing themselves - as someone with a disorder, whatever this supposed disorder may be. The most heartbreaking thing you could ever hear is a child saying, "I wish I was normal." We are all human, we all have issues and things we have to deal with.

Being the end of the school year, I wrote this child a letter. I want him to know that I am in his corner. And I want him to remember that he is awesome. If you were to meet him, your first impression might not agree with me. But trust me - this kid, like SO MANY OTHERS, are worth getting to know. Get past the first impressions, because there is a lot going on there that we can learn from and contribute to.

-->

Johnny,

I want you to know it has been an absolute pleasure to hang out with you these past two years! You are such an awesome kid! Since I’m not sure when I’ll get to see you next, I want to make sure you know just how awesome you are, so please remember that:

• You are hilarious.
• You are kind and a good friend.
• You flirt with a lot of girls, but you always make sure your number one girl Jamie gets to her bus with your arm around her shoulder.
• You are so smart! I love that you are using Rosetta Stone to teach yourself Japanese, and Khan to teach yourself Calculus. Keep going! These skills will come in handy.
• You are a great problem solver. I love it when you beat me at Blokus.
• You are awesome at coding and Video Game Maker. Keep working on these skills. Not everyone can succeed at coding, but you are a natural. That could be a way for you to find your niche and make the big bucks!
• You know where every country in the world is. Most American adults don’t know where any other country is- but you do.  And you know most of their capitals--keep going, you only have Europe and Oceania left!
• You are very strong and athletic. I know very few people who could pull themselves up and sit on a basketball hoop.
• You are charismatic. Do you remember how many people cheered for you at the SOAR Smash dance off? Or how many girls you slow danced with?
• You have great style. Maybe one day you can get those diamond earrings you want so much--just make sure it is cool with your parents first.
• You are very helpful in the kitchen.
• You make funny videos about getting grounded after ordering too much fast food.
• You are insanely good at Dance Dance Revolution. How’d you get so good?
• You are learning how to break dance. And you are probably the coolest kid to air guitar to Journey, or do cartwheels to Michael Jackson that Skate World has ever seen.

Some people are going to doubt that you are capable of great things, but they are wrong. THEY ARE WRONG! Just because you do some things differently than what they decided was normal doesn’t mean that you are doing them incorrectly. It means you are doing things differently- not wrong or less than just different. Your brain processes things in a different way, and that is great! The world needs people of all shapes and sizes to approach things in different ways. We need your point of view! YOU ARE NEVER LESS THAN. You are awesome. You are smart and capable. You can do great things and make the big bucks! I can’t wait to see what you will do! I am so proud of you! You are one of my favorite people ever. After all, you’re Johnny B, the coolest guy in town.

AP English writing exercise

I was going through some of my journals today, and I came across a truly pathetic piece of writing from the first semester of my senior year. It was an activity where one person starts a narrative and it is passed along the row and each person adds a few sentences in a minute or two and then off to the next person. I think we must have been working on descriptions, because these are some flowery little sentences. Holy Adjectives!

Three out of the four additional contributors to my story were my best friends that year; the fourth was a quiet, unassuming and very nice young man. I would venture to say that all of us were fair writers, but somehow we turned out some real drivel.  I remember the day we wrote this. Mine was the only little story that ended up so ridiculously. We all giggled hard when we shared these in class. I'm sure Mrs. Hayes rolled her eyes. And because it is so terrible...why not publish it on the internet?

Molly: The North Carolina air was hot and heavy. The only respite came from a coastal breeze that blew the sea's mist up to a new home in the never ending blue sky. The scalding sand under

Reem: my feet. An attractive boy tanning near by. His crystal clear blue eyes and defined biceps caught my attention immediately. He took the lotion and lathered it up through his long slender fingers. I imagined the cool relief the lotion brought him in the heat.*

Brittany: He was like a god with a strange aura about him. I had never before seen such a person. He had a mysterious rugged look to his messy blonde locks. For a moment he seemed frozen in time: a perfect still life. 

Julie: Our eyes met and the intensity of his gaze could have moved mountains. I remained rooted where I stood, like a ship anchored to the strong cliffs of the shoreline.

Peter: As I drew closer to this god-like man, he began to open his luscious lips to say that he wanted to take me away in his arms. I realized...

Peter sure was a good sport.  I wonder what realization he would have had this protagonist come to.  I guess we'll never know.


*I think I know where the shift in tone happened.