Violation 803.560: A Love Story

My old friend Lindsey was sitting in a lecture hall at BYU when an attractive young male came to sit next to her. They started chatting, getting their flirt on, until he said something that she didn't hear clearly. So, like many girls do when they are flirting, she giggled, until she did the quick rewind in her mind and realized he had asked her name. He asked her name and she laughed at him. Suffice it to say, she was mortified and was not quite sure how to recover from this party foul. He never sat by her again.

The registration on my car has been expired for a little while, which is not a smart or responsible thing for me to do, and I understand that. On a rainy Thursday night I got pulled over by a sheriff in my town, who was very kind, gave me a ticket, but also gave me a way to get out of the ticket by getting it fixed and then having my vehicle inspected at the station before my court date. I deserved this ticket, and to rectify the situation I scheduled a time the next Tuesday to renew my registration.

The following Monday, whilst I was driving home from my optometrist's office, eyes dilated, with new too-strong contacts that were giving me an even worse headache than the one achieved from dilation, I saw lights in my rearview. I pulled over, and reached for the ticket secured in the mirror of my visor, to prove that I have already been informed of this situation. I thought that since the DEQ hadn't been open since I received the initial ticket, I surely won't get ANOTHER ticket for this. I wasn't breaking any other law.

The following is the interaction between Officer Tom H. and myself -

Officer Tom: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes, my tags are expired. I got a ticket a few days ago for the same thing and haven't had a chance to get to the DEQ.
O.T.: Who gave you this ticket?
Me: I don't know, his name is on there.
O.T.: Oh, he's a sheriff. Can I see your license and registration please?
Me: Really, I made arrangements to get off of work early tomorrow to go to the DMV & DEQ.
O.T.: Just do as you're told.
Me: Um, sorry.
O.T.: You look better with Blonde hair.
Me: Excuse me?
O.T.: In your license picture you have brown hair, you look better with blonde.
Me: Can I have that back please?
O.T.: No, I'm going to need it for a few minutes. Just hang tight.

EIGHT MINUTES LATER

O.T. hands me a ticket.
Me: you're giving me a ticket when I got one 4 days ago, and the DEQ hasn't even been open for 3 of them?
O.T.: Your eyes are dilated. Are you high?
Me: What? No. I just came from my eye doctor.
O.T.: You were messing with your visor earlier - you hiding anything?
Me: That's where this other ticket was.
O.T.: Do you want me to search your car?
Me: There aren't any drugs in my car. I don't do drugs.
O.T.: Good, I hate girls that do drugs.
Me: What?!
O.T.: So I'm really glad that your tags are expired and your headlight is out, so I had a reason to pull you over.
Me: My headlight isn't out.
O.T.: It is on your ticket.
Me: You have got to be joking. Is this some kind of reality tv show? Do you have some sort of quota you have to fill? Why are you SO uncool?
O.T.: There's no quota. If you want to contest the ticket there are directions on the back. You're lucky I don't tow you right now. (no pause at all) Listen, can I get your number - maybe we can go out some time?
Me: No, are we done here?


He sauntered back to his car and left, just as delusional and ego-centric as when he pulled me over.

TWO WEEKS LATER - My Court "Date"

I showed up at the courthouse a few minutes early to beat the crowd and ended up being one of the first people to see the judge. The judge was really cool, when I explained what had happened and showed him the other ticket and the receipt from the DMV/DEQ the ticket was dismissed. No blip on my record, no fee, just a memory that I would write a blog entry about. I thanked the judge and left for work. As I was walking out the door, I heard, "Hey, Molly!". I turned around and didn't recognize anyone, so started to head back out the door, when all of a sudden, standing right in front of me was Officer Tom H.

O.T.: I figured you'd be here.
Me: Well, you give me an unfair ticket, I'll contest it.
O.T.: Did the judge lessen the fine?
Me: No, he dismissed it all together.
O.T.: hmm. So, you want to go grab some coffee or something?

I started laughing. Not in the "Lindsey flirting" kind of way, but my obnoxiously loud, boisterous laughter that filled the halls of courthouse and drew attention from the nearby line of people. I walked out the door, not turning back, continuing to laugh because, unlike Lindsey, I heard exactly what he said.

April 3, 1995: The Lice Check

Actual Journal Entry: Episode 1
(Names have been cleverly altered so as to not piss anyone off.)

So, earlier this morning Mr. S got on the intercom and announced that they would be doing lice checks today due to an “outbreak”. Who knew that three dirty seventh graders is all it takes to make up an outbreak – that’s the story anyway.

I should be doing my math homework, but its "free time" and Mrs. M is in the corner doing some yoga stretches – her daily ritual to break up the excruciatingly long afternoon before we break apart for math and electives. What a hippie. And this morning we were talking about civil rights and all of a sudden she pulled out her rain stick. I do not see how that fits at all, but whatever.

So, Ms. S and Mr. S are in our class checking out heads, what is up with that? I mean, there’s gotta only be one kid in this class who could ever have lice. DK. Oh, he smells so bad, poor kid. Or maybe EM. We broke up, by the way. I’m not even sure why I’m writing that down, because it’s not like we ever even went out. He’s so gross. C totally talked me into going out with him to get back at me for talking her into going out with AM. He is so much cooler that E, sure he keeps a stuffed moose on his desk, but--well, I guess he keeps a stuffed moose on his desk. But he’s a nice kid.

Ok, so D or E are the only two possibilities. Oh, maybe IF, he does still sport a rat tail after all. The other day I walked up behind him with a pair of scissors and I put it really close to the back of his head and closed the scissors really slowly. He freaked! It was so funny. I should have really done it and done him a major favor. Rat tails are so five years ago. But I really don’t think he has lice.

Ms. S checked my head and talked to me all buddy buddy, like we were friends or something just because I get a tardy slip from her every day. It was so embarrassing. I’m sure people were wondering how the old secretary and I are all pally.

Shocking! I didn’t have lice.

Oh, the funniest part was when Mr. S got all upset and started telling us to just wash our hair with bar soap and to not use any product. It went something like, “you kids today, you mess up your hair so much. Just take a bar of soap and wash your hair. You don’t need anything else. Your hair should feel squeaky clean. That’s a good thing.” I tried to not laugh too loudly, but come on, like I am really going to have split ends. He’s so ridiculous – hair was not meant to be squeaky.

Oh, math is in 20 minutes, so I’d better go do the assignment, Mrs. R already hates me enough.

Clean Flix; Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Hypocrisy.

I've always felt like Clean Flix was the worst thing to happen to movies since, well, ever. If you don't want to watch films with questionable content, DON'T. Why should I relinquish responsibility and let someone else decide what is appropriate for me? I should not and I never will. But, bias aside, oh no he didn't.

Operator of "Clean Flix" Store Arrested for Statutory Rape

The operator of the Utah-based Flix Club, which, as part of the Clean Flix chain, drew fire from major studios for removing scenes depicting sex and violence from home videos, has been arrested in Orem, Utah on charges of having sex with underaged girls. According to Orem police, Daniel Thompson also told the girls that his business was actually a cover for a pornography studio and asked them to participate in making a porn movie. The police report also said that they uncovered a "large quantity" of pornography at Thompson's business. According to the Salt Lake Tribune, Thompson told the arresting officers that he was unaware that the girls were not of legal age and that the porn movies were for his "personal use." Thompson previously operated the Clean Flix franchise in Orem but shut it down last month after giving away 400 sanitized versions of Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. The studios, he said at the time, had told him that "if I don't shut down, they would break me."

Article is copyrighted by Studio Briefing and can be found at http://www.imdb.com/news/sb/2008-01-30/

Open Up Your Hearts and Let The Patrick Swayze Christmas In.

The Lyrics to one of the best holiday songs - which don't completely encapsulate the sentiment of the song when its performed, but that'll do pig, that'll do - because who doesn't watch 'Roadhouse' and 'Over The Top' every Chrismukkah season?

LET'S HAVE A PATRICK SWAYZE CHRISTMAS

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing.

Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!

It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,

Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them all!

The Ocean's Players That Probably Won't be Named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive:

Andy Garcia. (Blame Godfather III.)
Carl Reiner.
Eddie Jemison.
Julia Roberts. (woman.)
Elliott Gould. (MAYBE in 1970.)
Eddie Izzard. (Cross-dresses too much.)
Bob "Super Dave Osbourne" Einstein.
Brad Pitt.

Follow Up To:

1. Pants Not On People:
Not pants, but also not on a person.


2. Rudy Huxtable is my Daughter:
Still not my daughter.


3. Molly Is Not Good With Children until they turn 15:
I befriended an 11 girl. She was very nice, and I helped her with math homework. She wanted to hang out longer, but I had REAL people to hang out with. Apparently it's just my father's step children that I hate.* Perhaps they are so unruly because people say mean things to them, like, "I like my coat more than I like you." Well, he ripped my coat, he deserved it.

*and all children between 7 & 14.

To Hawkeye Rachel:

This is Rachel. I don't know Rachel, but in a previous blog on MySpace I definitely named her in my "A List Of People I Hate Because of Their Flixster Reviews." I don't know if this profile picture was put up specifically to scare me, or if she just likes to appear as the rough and ready 20 year old from Dubuque, Iowa she is. Wait, she's from Iowa, this is her "Hawkeye" look.

She found my blog on MySpace today, presumably by searching for her own name, and left the comment, "Excuse me, but I have to inquire what it is you hate so much about my Flixster reviews." This is a good question, one that I cannot exactly remember the answer to. I decided I hated her on August 7 - that's like decades ago. But, I made that list based on people who were completely stupid in their reviews, i.e. they have bad taste, they cannot express themselves intelligibly, whatever. So, Rachel, I said I hate you because you have bad taste. That's all. Nothing to give the old Hawkeye about.

Now, in doing some research, aka talking to one of my friends on gchat about you and my friend googling you, we found out that you made the Dean's list. Way to go, Rachel! But you know, non-acquaintance, dean's list doesn't equate to having good taste. So keep on studying and being a member of CLEAN (Clarke Leads Environmental Action Now). I appreciate that, even though On August 7, I said I hated you.

As a side note, today my mother referred to me as "caustic". I have no idea what she's talking about.