Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Some recipes I cannot recommend.

I have been going through and organizing my recipes. We're going digital friends. While I don't think I could ever give up the tactile experience of reading a book, I do think I can give up having a few file folders bursting at the seams full of recipes I never look at because I always just go to my computer.

In this digital consolidation process I was going through a recipe book put together by the ward Relief Society when I was a toddler. Some of the recipes seem delightful enough, and some seem like the weirdest/grossest things ever. Here for your reading pleasure are some great recipes from the not-at-all-progressive culinary wizards of 1980s suburban Portland, (who were also very unhealthy cooks. There are exactly 5 recipes for vegetables out of the 300+/- recipes. And one is for a marinade to add to veggies, and one is for onion rings).

(All of the typos from this point out are transcribed directly from the book. There are quite a few, and I don't want to write "[sic]" every time.) I am also omitting the names of the people who submitted these recipes, because I'm friends with some of their kids, and now consequently have a sense of pity for them and what they were subjected to at the dinner table.

Chili Con Queso Dip
1 lb. Velveeta cheese
1 can Rotelle tomatoes

Melt velveeta cheese. Blend tomatoes in blender to make a puree, or mash well with a fork. Add tomatoes to melted cheese. Serve warm with taco chips.

Donde están los chiles, friends?  Also can we call Velveeta "queso?"

Whole Wheat Tomato Juice Bread
4 T. yeast
1 c. warm water
1 T. br. sugar
1 qt tomato juice
6 c. water
1/2 c. oil
1/2 c. molasses
1 c. honey
2 T. salt
1 c. gluten flour
8 c. whole wheat flour

I'm going to stop right there, because that is enough information to be properly disgusted. Tomato juice in bread? And molasses in the same bread? Please, by all means, throw tomatoes in, but not tomato juice. (As an aside, my father dated the woman who submitted this recipe for years. I cannot for the life of me remember ever eating at her house. I can remember cooking pancakes one time with my dad, but never eating--which I think is a good thing.)

Frosting
1/2 C pineapple juice
1 egg, beaten
1/2 C sugar
2 T flour
2 T butter
1 pkg Dream Whip

Melt butter in saucepan. Add flour,sugar, pineapple juice and egg. Cook until thick. Remove from heat and cool completely. Prepare Dream Whip according to package. Mix cooled misture with Dream Whip and spread over gelatin. Top with grated cheese. Serve over brownies.

1. I don't know what Dream Whip is, but I am not optimistic for it.
2. Where did the gelatin come from? Is that what we're calling the weird thing that has cooled in the saucepan? Also, FLOUR?!?
3. Nope, it's not the sauce pan "misture," so where is this gelatin coming from?
4. Top with grated cheese? I love a good mix of savory and sweet, but really? In the 80s, I feel like the only options were Swiss, American, and cheddar and none of those should be combined with pineapple juice and brownies.  Gouda on the other hand...still a terrible idea.

Scripture Cake
1 C Judges 5:25 last phrase butter or margarine
1 3/4 C Jeremiah 6:20 sugar
1/4 C Proverbs 24:13 honey
6 Job 39:14 eggs
1st Corinthians 10:2 spices
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1 tsp all spice
1 tsp nutmeg
3 tsp Amos 4:5 baking powder with 1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp Leviticus 2:13 salt
3 3/4 1sk Kings 4:22 flour
2 C 1st Samuel 30:12 raisins
1 C Genesis 24:11 water or buttermilk
2 C Revelations 16:13   (figs)
(Something in Numbers about chopped almonds - it is cut off by the binding.)

I legitimately cannot handle this. Does the recipe really say "water or buttermilk" like those are interchangeable? And "(figs)"?

The main dishes get super dicey. For example "Bread and Butter Shrimp Salad" that uses 1 can of crab, 2 cans of shrimp and a large loaf of buttered bread cut into squares. You throw in some salad staples like boiled eggs, celery, onion, and carrots and drench the whole thing in miracle whip. Yikes. Then there's  "Hot Dog - Bean Soup" which is bacon, mirepoix, and stewed tomatoes combined with pork and beans, quartered and fluted hot dogs and some bouillon. How do you spell inedible? 

But the
pièce de résistance is "Rice Around the World
1 cube margarine
8 T flour
1 quart of milk
2 cans cream of mushroom
1 can cream of chicken
3 cans of tuna fish
Enough Rice for your family

Put rice in middle of plate - put sauce over top. Around edge of plat, put chopped pieces of any of the following:
Bananas, oranges, pineapple, peanuts, coconut, raisens, green onions, celery, boiled eggs, bacon bits, tomato, green peppers, tomatoes.

I love the flavor combination possibilities! Bananas and tuna with green peppers over rice? Gross. Oh wait, maybe that "plat" isn't a typo, maybe you're supposed to throw pieces of boiled eggs and "raisens" around some land whilst vomiting up your dinner?

Have fun not making these foods.