Morton

Recently, a few different sets of friends have brought up my penchant for naming things. Slippers, wellies, sewing machine, iPod, rolling pin, long board, my currently broken video camera, all of these items, and many others have names. One friend asked what the name of my car was, and I said, "I've never named a car. Why would I name a car?" I, of course, was inadvertently lying. I forgot about Morton.

One summer, when I worked for the local parks and rec district, my friend Rachel and I had a truck assigned to us, and we called him Morton. We knew automobiles usually had feminine names, but if you saw this truck, you'd know like we did that he was all geriatric male with nothing going for him. The rest of the parks and rec community called him 308, and when people would ask which truck we were in, or notice him outside, they'd always smile coyly and say, "Oh, you've got 308, huh?" as if they knew something we did not. They didn't have anything on us, because we knew Morton sucked.

Morton was an early 90s electric blue Chevy, with no mounted rear view mirror, and a slow reacting brake pedal that took a long time to get used to. While most of the other fleet had air conditioners and cd players (your tax dollars at work), we had nothing but wing windows and the FM dial.

But we were very much endeared to Morton by the end of the summer because of all of the adventures we had inadvertently put him through. On the very first day, we accidentally created a dent in Morton's side by misjudging the width between two posts. Soon after that, we got Morton stuck in the mud, and used our cell phones to call for assistance because we were too embarrassed to use the radio. It happened again two weeks later.* Then there was that time that we accidentally spilled a 5 gallon tub of paint all over his bed. Oops. Just so you know, Rachel and I are not idiots**, we just made a couple of poor judgments.

What Rachel and I did not know about the parks and rec job, is that no one does anything. NOTHING. Whilst we were going about the area and repairing picnic tables and painting benches and buildings, we happened across a lot of employees who were not doing anything. When I say, "not doing anything" I mean, we found several at Starbucks, or lounging in a beach chair reading the paper. About a month in, when we had finished our chore list for the summer, we were slow on telling them we were done and instead decided to go to Starbucks*** ourselves, because they had frappuccinos, and air conditioning.

*Morton's tires were not what they once were and in our defense the ground did not look muddy at all. Unlike the time we were recruited to help move picnic tables into a park in preparation for a Kenny Loggins(!) concert. We were riding with two macho guys called Rick and Randy. Rick drove into the park first, and got his truck, and the trailer full of picnic tables seriously stuck in the huge amounts of mud that were evident from the street. Then, Randy, in an effort to save Rick did the exact same thing. Both trucks stuck in the mud, so why not go to Starbucks? Rachel and I didn't have our purses with us, so we waited. An hour later, one of the nice mechanics showed up to tow the trucks out of the mud. Rick and Randy aren't back from Starbucks yet? Really? Rachel and I moved the trucks and trailers, and then waited for another long while for Rick and Randy to come back.

**Ok, maybe I am, but Rachel is one of the brightest people I know.

***We also devised a plot to leave one of our cars at a park, then come by and leave Morton in its place while we went downtown to see a noon time performance by Guster.**** We decided, instead, just to take the day off because we were moral and a little bit chicken.*****

****Guster was cooler back then.

*****It totally would have worked.

Christmas Letter, 2004

My grandparents have never really cared for me, although, to be completely honest, I've never really minded. I found myself going through some of my aunt's old papers today and I came across my grandparents' Christmas Letter from 2004 and thought that I should share what, according to my Grandmother, what all of us grandkids were doing in 2004.

My brother was mentioned first (they really seem to like him): Our grandson Blake, Drew's son, took a five month self directed bicycle tour in Europe this year. He started in England, went from there to the Northern coast of France, followed the Western coast line to Spain spending the bulk of his time in Spain and Portugal. He flew from Barcelona to Amsterdam and spent a few days in Holland before returning from England. Blake called us from New York - "Hey, Gramma, I'm back. I'm in Brooklyn!" (My father's birthplace.) This is true.

Then came Davie: Our youngest grandson Davey, passed his state exam and is now a CPA! We are all very proud of him. He works for KPMG - the most prestigious accounting firm in our lovely state since Arthur Anderson had to leave. He bought a small house and is very independent. This is true, except Davie spells his name with an "ie".

Now me: Molly is a senior at BYU this year. She is majoring in film and is planning to become an independent screenwriter and film editor. Bill and I are encouraging her to do her graduate work at USC even though there is a lot of independent film making going on in the Portland area. Molly is very much a "my way" girl and we suspect that she really doesn't put much credence in our recommendations.*

Juxtaposed with: Nikki will be pursuing a career in nursing upon her graduation next August. It is always a thrill for us to see these kids graduate. It is even more so when they have a specific goal in mind. Nikki also had a lovely son that could have been mentioned, but maybe that would have painted her in a negative light since she wasn't married at that point?

Now, you can tell she really is getting her bragging on with Devon: The oldest of the grandkids is Devon. Dev is the public relations director of the Everett Silvertips, a semi professional ice hockey team. He lives in Everett, Washington and we don't get to see him too often. Everett is a small town just north of Seattle that enthusiastically supports their hockey team. Dev is truly in his element and has been greatly responsible for the increase in attendance at local games. It also helps to have a good team and the Silvertips went to the national finals. Way to go, Devon!

And lastly, Our granddaughter Jillyn, Tracey's daughter, continues to be a delight for Bill and I. She was three months old when Bill retired. We were her first baby sitters and have enjoyed watching her grow and become her own person. When the others were young we were both working and did not have the time to spend with them. Jillyn is twelve, she has been on the honor roll every trimester in middle school, she is in her third year of piano, and she is an avid softball player. She is the pitcher for her team. Dan has become a coach and Tracey is serving as treasurer for the Blaze Softball Association. Dan's love of the kids and baseball is an unbeatable combination. Jill is very proud of him. With all of this, Jilly is warm and friendly, has a great sense of humor and is very considerate. I took her with me to a DAR function and she charmed everyone she met. The nicest thing about being a grandmother is allowing myself to brag about my grandkids. I had no idea she ever had a job, and if Jillyn was 3 months old when Bill retired, I was a geriatric 9. And yes Jill is a delight. $5 says she has never bragged about me.

*I was not a senior. I have never said I was going to be a film editor. They never encouraged me to go to USC, but since it is my grandfather's alma mater, maybe it was implied? I do like things to be a certain way, but I can be easily influenced if I find another alternative to be better, more efficient or more logical. If you talk to my mother, she will verify that I have never thrown a tantrum about needing something "my way," not even when I was small, I'll just chalk this up to a "Kettle, it's Gramma, you're black!" situation, and that they didn't spend, and continue not to spend any time with me. It is hard to know someone you never see or talk to. She is right that I don't put too much credence in their recommendations, but I'm not sure why she felt it necessary to share that with all of her friends at the Holidays.

I'm really not bitter, I think it's funny. And to quote the amazing Zora Neale Hurston, "Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me."

Why can't I finish a book this year?

So, spring has sprung around my neck of the woods, and I am THRILLED! The past two weeks I have been running around like mad doing things, meeting people, reorganizing and purging stuff, being creative, and just over all getting things done. It has been totally exhausting but also exhilarating as I've been able to tic of many items from my to-do list, items that have been the victims of procrastination, and thus have an even sweeter taste of accomplishment.

So, with the energy that comes with spring, I have decided to make this month one where I complete, or make serious headway on, all of the projects I have started and never completed, or planned out intricately in my head but never actually got the ball rolling on. This whole idea is making me giddy just thinking about it, and though I've been ready for a nap since I dragged myself out of bed this morning, I know that I am going to stay up for at least another 15 minutes while I finish another task I've been meaning to do for awhile.

But with all of this thinking of things I haven't finished I started thinking about the books I have started recently and haven't yet finished. And because I make lists, here is one detailing why I haven't finished all of the books that hold a bookmark of mine right now.

1. Middlemarch. I started reading this before Christmas, when the snow was coming down like crazy. Then, the first week of January, 80 pages away from the end, I accidentally spilled the entire contents of my SIGG water bottle on it, my journal and my planner. My planner and journal being much thinner books dried within two days, but Middlemarch took a lot of time sitting in front of the heater vent with the pages all curled up to ensure they wouldn't stick together. Then, it was so warped and the pages all bumpy, I put it under a piece of furniture to flatten it out. It is still there.

2. More Information than You Require. My brother gave this to me for Christmas, and it is pretty delightful easy reading. It was the first book I turned to when Middlemarch was soaked. But then the Israeli Palestinian conflict flared up pretty substantially and I decided I should finally read Jimmy Carter's Palestine Peace not Apartheid.

3. Palestine Peace Not Apartheid. This one is just pathetic. I am about 10 pages from the end, but for a book club needed to re-read If on a Winter's Night a Traveler, so put it down.

4. If on a Winter's Night a Traveler. I think if I can swing getting all of the kids REALLY run down before nap time thus ensuring a long nap, I can finish it tomorrow.

5. A Girl Like I. Anita Loos' autobiography (she was a writer/screenwriter/playwright who wrote Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, among many other things). I started this last fall and put it down when I found the Winchester Austen editions and decided to read Emma, Persuasion, and Pride and Prejudice in a week. Sadly, Anita and I have yet to be reunited.

6. Cahiers du Cinema 1950s. I've been reading this off and on since last summer. I'll read an article or two and then decide I need to netflix the film(s) they discussed in the article. Then, after seeing the film(s) I re-read the article. This process might never end.

So here I am, in limbo with 6 books simultaneously. I am not sure I have the same high hopes for a couple of these titles as I do for the rest of my to do list, but I think getting George Eliot out from under the furniture and finishing it is the first thing I'll do after Italo Calvino solves this mystery for me once again.

Apparently, I really am a Mormon.

--and a snob.

I have been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for ever, but as you know, dear readers, I am not a very conservative person. I'm not as liberal as they come by any stretch, but I definitely lean left. I think religion - in most forms - is here to make people better citizens of humanity. I have a very laissez-faire approach to the religious beliefs of myself and others, thinking that if we do what we can to work out our own salvation, in whatever way we see fit, the rest will fall into place. And, I think too frequently orthodoxy replaces the necessity of thinking, ruminating and decision making. Somehow, I reconcile these beliefs into the person you know, and have grown to tolerate.

A typical Sunday at church sees me judging someone for faulty logic or just plain irrationality, and let's be honest, bad dress or hair. Then there comes the inevitable guilt of thinking that judging inside of church is somehow worse than outside of church. I often feel, much to my own doing, like an outsider. I don't chat up a lot of people at church because I just don't care to. I fancy myself a socially-challenged snob and a wannabe intellectual-liberal who sees things differently than most of my LDS fellows. This, however, came to a screeching halt today.

My dear friend Brittney, whom I have known since our Girls' Camp days and who is my source for 90% of the things I access on this interweb, told me about the Belief-O-Matic. It is a quiz that you can take that tells you where you fall on the spectrum based on 20 questions.

Here's the truth, I was anticipating getting a pretty high score on Seventh Day Adventist, or maybe some reform Judaism, some Baha'i. Here's what I got:

1. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (100%)
2. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (96%)
3. Jehovah's Witness (92%)
4. Liberal Quakers (82%)
5. Unitarian Universalism (79%)
6. Baha'i Faith (76%)
7. Sikhism (75%)
8. Reform Judaism (74%)
9. Orthodox Judaism (73%)
10. Orthodox Quaker (69%)
11. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (67%)
12. Jainism (59%)
13. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (59%)
14. Mahayana Buddhism (59%)
15. Neo-Pagan (59%)
16. Hinduism (58%)
17. Islam (58%)
18. Theravada Buddhism (58%)
19. New Age (53%)
20. New Thought (49%)
21. Secular Humanism (49%)
22. Seventh Day Adventist (47%)
23. Eastern Orthodox (46%)
24. Roman Catholic (46%)
25. Scientology (40%)
26. Taoism (39%)
27. Nontheist (31%)

I wanted to include all of these results because I said to my Mormon friend Brittney who got Orthodox Judaism before Mormonism, "I bet I'll get Seventh Day Adventist." I said that. And there it is, sad little #22, with its 47%, and Mormon, loud and proud with 100%. I even took this quiz twice. Same results. I'm not disappointed by any means. I'm just shocked that despite my own religious conviction and all of the wonderful, enlightened, and bright LDS folks I have met over the years, a computer validated which building I drive to on Sunday afternoons.

As an aside, I read an article today on Mormons and blogging, and would like to stress that this little blog is not intended to be a Mormon blog, notwithstanding the quote that closed the article: “It’s such a big thing with our church that probably 90 percent of the girls I know have blogs,” [Peter Priesthood] said. “It’s a way of documenting their lives, but it’s also about validation. You get noticed, and they like that.”

As another aside, if I weren't trying to stop over-using the phrase, "punch him in the esophagus" I would write a quippy comment on how I would like to do said action to that Peter Priesthood twerp.

The Last to Know.

I always assume I am the last person in the western world to figure things out or be introduced to things. But just in case...

Have you tried the so-called "Captain Crunch Frapp" at Starbucks? It tastes, I am told, exactly like Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries. (I had a bad experience with the Captain as a child - and by child, I mean my freshman year of college - and I have never tried the Crunch Berry variety, but I can vouch for this little beverage in being very sweet and tasty - or as Fergie would say "tastey".) Here's how you order it: Strawberries & Cream Frappuccino, one pump of hazelnut, one pump of toffeenut. If you are idiotic enough to get a venti, go with two pumps of each syrup. This is not an everyday beverage, not by a long shot, but as a nice treat every once in a while, delightful!

And, have you seen the commercial Sofia (who can do no wrong) Coppola did for Miss Dior Chérie? It started airing a couple of months ago, primarily during Gossip Girl, but with the advent of DVRs, I think a lot of people have missed this little beauty. I can't seem to get enough of Brigitte Bardot or the New Wave doused ad. Who wouldn't love Maryna Linchuk in that dress flying away with balloons a la le ballon rouge?

Targets and Martians.

I found a couple of really fun things recently, and thought I should share.
First, I found this amazing book at Powell's.



I am always looking for creative ideas to do with the kids, and I think this week we'll probably have to make this one:



Also, I found this card at a shop on Mississippi Ave. made by Portland local, Carla C. Cain.





Inside it says, "Draw you a target?"

Oh so true.

The Life and Death of a Crush, or Just About Par for the Course.

It's silly how we met, no? Driving down 26, I noticed your car. I have a thing for Karmann Ghias, did you know that? That will be something we laugh about years from now. In a flash, I remembered that episode of Ally McBeal when she ran into a guy's car just to get to talk to him. She certainly had balls. (Just so you know, I like your car too much to ram into it on a freeway.) Instead, I sped up a little to promote a little eye contact.

oh. molester 'stache. deal breaker. Have a nice day, sir. By the way, I like your car.